


Evolution

by breatherepeat



Series: Life After Love [1]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Brotherly Bonding, Discussion of Abortion, Dissociation, Established Relationship, Family Feels, Father-Son Relationship, France (Country), Healing, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, Mother-Son Relationship, Panic Attacks, Sexuality Crisis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-14
Updated: 2019-09-24
Packaged: 2020-10-18 04:21:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 35,859
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20633006
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/breatherepeat/pseuds/breatherepeat
Summary: While on family holiday, Dan and his family learn more about one another. Past truths are revealed that lead to understanding and healing.Continuation of the Learning to Love Yourself series. Can be read as a stand alone, but there are multiple references to the original 5 part series.





	1. Chapter 1

_i hate you. I cannot believe you sometimes_

_-Yeah, you are going to have to narrow that one down_

_making me bond with my family without you..._

_and you left your bloody socks in the luggage and my _

_clothes _ _smell like your janky feet _

_-I did not pack your _ _luggage._

_You could have taken them out._

_I think you are just mad at yourself because_

_your last minute _ _packing back fired on you_

_AGAIN_

_At least you don't have to worry about losing an eye _

_this time_

_fuck off_

_too soon_

_..._

_what if it is just horrible, will you save me?_

_-It will not be that horrible. They are your family. They love you. _

_Now, eat some cheese and have some wine. _

_And, don't fall in love with a French..._

_swine?_

_No French swine. Erasing from literary. That leaves _

_Saturday _ _open..._

_Phil, seriously, will you save me? Call me with a fish _

_emergency? _

_-Don't put out bad vibes into the universe about Normie! _

_And yes, I will save you from the "horrors" of your loving family _

_that accept you _ _and want to have a nice holiday with you._

_In fucking France. _

_Really, Dan, you should start a charity in your name for your hardship_

_I miss you_

_Adrian says hello_

_-Hello, Adrian_

_Did you tell him he is an uncle? _

_Normie is going to want to know his uncle._

_No, I did not tell my brother about your obsession witht he _ _fish. _

_He is laughing now. wonders what the little one wants _ _for _ _Christmas..._

_perhaps a nice, new playhouse?_

_That is, if he makes it until the festive season_

_-You shut your mouth. He is going to LIVE. _

_He will not be like the Susans and the Simons before him. _

_He has a tank that is fit for the Queen._

_Adrian wonders if maybe you are too attached to the fish..._

_Maybe you should find another hobby. said Adrian_

_-Tell him I'm working on it. Turns out, the list of hobbies _

_for people in their thirties is not as exciting as_ _for children _

_or people in their teens_

_Now, i'm laughing. said you could take up biking_

_-Maybe_

_Banned! Veto! I like your body in one piece_

_-You just like my body..._

_don't lie._

_My booty brings all the boys to the yard._

_Damn right, you better charge..._

_I forgot the rest._

_it is a nice one..._

_-I like your body. You are my body._

_?????_

_-Read it as romantic and not as "I'm going _ _to put _

_ you in a hole and make you moisturizer yourself"_

_moisturize you mean? did you get your money back from the _

_that linguistic degree?_

_and as if you could put me in a hole_

_-I seem to recall that happened last night_ _._

_You seemed to like it._

_Kept telling me how much you loved me._

_Now nice I felt._

_How much you were going to miss the feeling_

_of being inside me while you were away on holiday._

_About how you would have to seek away to Facetime me _

_and how I would have to finally send you a dick pic_

_Philip Lester, Adrian is sat right next to me._

_do you want him reading that?_

_-Are you blushing?_

_Are you hard?_

_shut up. seriously, please_

_-Say you have to use the toilet..._

_send me a pic_

_i'm not going to talk to you anymore_

_i'm going to fall in love with a stinky frenchman named_

_Timothée and eat cheese while I...do something nonsexual _

_with a swine. you happy now, you broke up our happy family. _

_tell normie I love him and I get to visit him every other _ _feeding_

_-No, I'm not happy._

_I put too many years into you to have you run away_

_with Timothée. He could never love you like I can._

_Normie will never call him Dad!_

_je t'aime poisson _père

_-tasi-toi_

_I will ring you tonight. I should have my own room._

_-Noted. Tuck Normie in and wear something comfortable_

"Done sexting your boyfriend?" Adrian grinned from his seat in front of Dan's. They were taking a train to the station where they would meet their mother and then drive the rest of the way to the rented house. Both Adrian and Dan preferred the larger space in a train car rather than a cramped plane seat. And there was less chance of running into someone that would recognize Dan, or worse Dan and Adrian together. 

"We were not." Dan put his phone away in his pocket, content to watch the passing scenery. Another perk of using the train. "And...never mind." 

Dan wanted to tell Adrian about vows he shared with Phil in Nevada. It was a turning point for him with the whole loving himself and being comfortable in his own person, but he had yet to share it with his family. He didn't know if they would understand it and he didn't want a repeat of Phil's mum yelling at him about not inviting them. It wasn't official and it wasn't legal, but it was real. And real and his family didn't always mix well. 

"What?" Adrian asked noticing that Dan's cheek was turning red and he looked uncomfortable. "This is family bonding time. I thought the point was not to keep secrets."

"It isn't...a secret. Not really. It is nothing." It was something and it was a really important something. "I'll tell you later, when we settled in the house. And Mum can be there." 

"You are not going to tell us you two are getting married or something? Are you?" Adrian increased his grin as he noticed his brother become more uncomfortable. He was good at reading people and he was becoming more and more good at reading his brother. "Christ, that is it, isn't it?"

"Not necessarily. I will tell you both at the same time." Dan took his phone back out so he would have something to do with his hands. He kept his eyes on the window but he could feel the pride of his brother radiating off of him. "Stop looking at me." 

"Do I have to wear a tux?" Adrian kept at it because it was fun to tease his brother, he had time to make up for and he wanted to get in as much as he could in case Dan decided he was done being open with them and he reverted back into his more comfortable state of being with his family. Distant. "Is there going to be a theme? I hate themed weddings." 

"Shut up. Seriously. Stop." Dan continued to fidget with his phone, tossing it back and forth between each hand. He briefly glanced at his brother and saw that the grin was gone and he looked like he felt bad. He didn't want to make his brother feel bad, but he couldn't handle teasing about marrying Phil right now. The vows around the pool were special and they were all they really needed, but it emphasized the fact that he didn't know if they could ever have a big wedding with family and friends. That seemed overwhelming. Being in front of all his family while he spoke about feelings that were secret shame for years, that sounded like a version of hell he was not ready to explore quite yet. "You can't tease about that." 

"Fuck, I set this trip off with a bad start." Adrian turned to watch the wooded area passing them by. They still had time on the train and now it felt like it was going to be a lot longer. "I guess we are still figuring out each other. I'm sorry." 

Dan nodded his head in acknowledgment. The silence filled the train car, with both sat staring out the window and at a lost for words. 

An hour later, Dan dropped the phone out of his hands when it started to ring. It was his mum. 

"Hello, Mum." Dan put the phone on speaker while his brother listened on. "Adrian is on speaker with me." 

"Hello, boys. I've arrived. We will be waiting for you near the rented car section." Their mother had insisted on bringing the dog, stating that he would be too lonely in a boarding kennel. Neither son had protested the added addition to their trip. 

"We are still a few minutes out. See you soon." Dan ended the call and focused on his brother. "I'm not upset. There are just things I cannot talk about yet. I'm working on it. Trust me, I'm working on it." 

"I know." Adrian met his brother's eyes. "I'm glad we are doing this. It feels long overdue." 

"Same." 

\----

"Hello toi!" Dan half shouted when he saw Phil's face on the screen. Twirling around on his heel, he sunk down onto his bed. It wasn't as soft as it looked but it was nice after sitting in the hard wooden chairs outside. "Je....miss toi."

"Do you mean bonjour toi?" Phil smiled back at the phone. His television show was paused in front of him and he was sat in the darkened lounge, most of his popcorn already gone from the movie he had been watching. Dan would have hated the movie and talked throughout most of it. Or he would have tried to distracted him away from the movie by doing other things. "You seem happy."

"Je suis....heureuse or non...French is hard when you win a drinking game with your mum and brother." Dan's smile got bigger when he saw that Phil had his happy face on too. "I won."

"How do you win a drinking game when you are clearly drunk?" Phil started to eat his popcorn as the other hand held the phone, this had the potential to be more entertaining than the movie.

"Because I was the only one that had never had his heart broken." Dan reached for a pillow behind him and straighten it, allowing him to sit up a bit more. "But it is a sad story."

"Why is it sad?"

Dan leaned forward toward the phone, turning his eyes to the open door of the room, and then lowering his voice to a whisper, "I'm the only one that has ever been in love. Mum loves Dad but she was never in love with him. That is sad."

"That is sad." Phil lowered his voice as well and stopped eating his popcorn. Dan had told him around the time that they first got together that Dan was a surprise pregnancy, with both of his parents young and only having been together for a short time. "That is not your fault, Dan. Don't start going down that path."

"Okay." Dan whispered again as he sat back into the bed and rested his head back on the pillow. He was warm. The room was warm. "I am sharing with Adrian. He said his room smelled. Said I had to share because I was the only one with two beds. I wanted Colin to sleep on the other one, but he has a fancy dog bed that my mum brought special for him. Dog is spoiled."

"Is anyone in the room with you?" Phil bit at his lower lip noticing that Dan's face was flushed and his hair was a bit messy. He looked like he did after they were fooling around and it was a nice image to work with.

Dan shook his head and allowed his eyes to close. He was tired.

"Where is everyone?"

"Went on a walk with the dog. I couldn't go. Won the game." Dan's sentences were being drawn out more and more as he felt himself falling sleep. "You want the sexy time?"

"You look like my boy that has been going down on me. Your cheeks are flushed and you have some bed head going." Phil palmed himself through the blanket that was on his lap. They hadn't been away from each other in a long time and he felt a bit needy without Dan around. "It reminds me of you being in our bed, underneath me, moaning how much you love me."

"I do." Dan smiled briefly but he couldn't get his eyelids to open, his words slurred. "Phil, I won the game. I drank too much for sexy times."

"Just stay on the phone." Phil bit his lip a little harder as he pressed down against himself. He quickly moved the popcorn bowl out of the way and moved so he would have a better angle. "Your flushed face is enough. Dan, I miss you right now."

"Philly, am I your porn wank material?" Dan giggled a bit. "You are supposed to wank to actual porn while I'm gone."

"I don't like porn, you know that." Phil moaned under his breath as he moved his hand underneath his pants, gripping himself fully and taking a few moments to just enjoy the pressure.

"I'll be your porn, baby." Dan opened his eyes to find that he had dropped the phone down to his chest and he wasn't even on the screen anymore. Tilting the phone back up so his face was on the screen. "Want me to talk you through it? Tell you how much I would love to suck you right now? I'm a bit drunk, so I would do that thing where I go too far...gag on it a little before I pull back. God, Phil, now I want you in my mouth."

That was enough for Phil and soon he was cleaning off his hand while he watched Dan fight sleep. If Dan wasn't drunk and it wasn't late at night, Phil would have allowed himself to draw it out a bit more but he didn't need that. Quick and efficient worked at times as well.

Adjusting the blanket around him, Phil smiled as he saw Dan had propped the phone against another pillow on Dan's bed. Now, he could see Dan's face without Dan having to hold the phone up. And Dan, if he didn't have his eyes closed, could see Phil watching him on the phone.

"I'm supposed to be the one that falls asleep, not you." Phil's voice was fond and low, whispering into the phone. "Dan, are you still awake?"

"Mmhmm." Dan tucked his pillow further underneath his head and curled up his legs. "Fully awake."

"Dan, you are going to fall asleep like that. At least turn off the phone first."

"Don't want to. Want to sleep like before."

Phil knew that Dan was referencing their tendency to fall asleep on Skype calls back when they still lived apart from one another. "What about when Adrian comes back? Am I just supposed to explain that I'm a creeper watching you sleep?" 

"Not a creeper." Dan sighed into the pillow. "My love. My husband. My body." 

"Dan." Phil laughed to himself as Dan began to fall further asleep, his face relaxing more into the pillow. "Bonne nuit you nut." 

Propping the phone up on the popcorn bowl in front of him, Phil started the movie again. Every few minutes, he would look down at the phone and find that Dan was still sleep. 

"Um, Phil?" Phil heard from a distance. Looking down at the phone, he saw Dan's brother looking back at him very confused. "Are you watching something?"

"Dan fell asleep and I was finishing my movie. It is not creepy, I swear." Phil blushed and pushed back some non-existent hair off his forehead. "We just used to do that and I can't say no to him." 

"Okay. I feel like I'm a kid again and I just caught my brother doing something he would hate me for." Adrian laughed as he sat on his bed, with Dan's phone still in his hand. "I could hear you guys sometimes. Through the walls. Talking and laughing, doing stupid shit. It annoyed me then because I was trying to sleep. I didn't fully understand what it was then, but I'm glad he had you. I'm glad he has you." 

"You have no idea how glad I am that I have him." Phil smiled, settling his nerves a bit. "I'm glad I get to know you as well. Not in the same way, oh course. But, I don't know, you always seemed off limits before and I'm glad that awkwardness is gone. Not that this isn't awkward, but you know what I mean...right?"

"Yes. You should have came on holiday with us. It is gorgeous here." 

"Nah, he needed to be around you guys without a safety blanket. He is braver than he thinks he is and he needs to get more comfortable with himself around you." 

"You are really going for husband of the century, aren't you?"

Phil tried to hid the panic from his face but he must not have done a good job because Adrian started apologizing on the other end. 

"Damn, he said not to tease. I'm sorry. I drank too much wine." 

"What did he say, about that?"

"Nothing really. He said he would tell us when we were all together, but you know how good he is at sharing things. Then we started playing Never Have I Ever with Mum, and the night got away from us." Adrian sat back against the headrest, listening to Dan's even breathing on the other bed. "Maybe we shouldn't talk any more about this. I don't want to ruin what we have going with him." 

"Adrian, you are a good brother to him." 

"Thank you, but I don't know if I am." 

"No, you are." Phil smiled at the face Adrian made, a face very similar to Dan's when he gave him praise he didn't think he deserved. "Have fun on holiday. I should let you all rest." 

"Goodnight, Phil." 

"Goodnight, Adrian." 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> References to sexual assault and abortion in this chapter. This is exaggerated fiction, with no claims that the information provided is real.

Dan woke in the night with a headache and an urge to use the toilet. Adrian was asleep in the bed opposite his and there was no light in the room. Reaching for his phone, Dan was confused why he couldn't find it next to him. He was drunk when he fell asleep, but the phone was propped up on the pillow beside him. He wanted to fall asleep next to Phil and he was pretty sure that he did just that. 

Allowing his eyes to adjust to the darkness, Dan was happy his brother was in the same room as him. No matter how old he got, he would always wonder what was hiding in the dark and it was nice to have another person near him just in case there was something waiting for him. As he eyes adjusted to the darkness, Dan saw that there was a table beside the bed, with an outline of something that was likely his phone. Picking up the object, Dan saw the flashing light on the top indicating a message and unlocked the phone to see what he had missed. 

There was a few emails that he quickly moved away from his view. He was on holiday and email did not exist on this holiday. There was too many holidays where he spent hours attached to his phone or laptop answering emails. Anything that was important could wait until he was back home. 

There were two messages from Phil that he opened. 

-_Adrian saw me creeping on you sleeping. He is the one that ended the call_

_not me. We spoke a little bit. He is a good brother. Continue to send me _

_pictures (NOT THOSE PICTURES) and have a good time. No French men_

_neither! _

_-Oh...there was an awkward thing with him calling me 'husband of the_

_century'...did you say something to him? I don't mind, but I want to _

_be on the same page with this with your family. I still feel like I'm _

_protecting us from them. I know you said you were working on _

_figuring out what you wanted to say to them, but...maybe this is too_

_complex for just a text. Ring me when you have an answer. Or _

_whenever. I'm going up north so my service might be dodgy. I'm _

_rambling. Sorry. :) Night! _

Using his phone as a torch, Dan found his way to the toilet and then the kitchen. He needed water and wanted to ward off a bigger headache in the morning. Filling a cup from the cabinet, a light caught his eye outside the window over the kitchen sink. The three of them had sat outside following dinner on the porch surrounding the front of the house. They must have left a candle lit and Dan debated with himself whether he was brave enough to go outside in the dark to extinguish the flame. Which would make it darker. 

Once he convinced himself that the house was not going to burn down if he left the candle burning for the few more hours left of the night, Dan gasped as he saw a shadow move from the light of the candle. He was definitely not brave enough to go see what was causing the shadow, but he was also frozen in place. He didn't want whatever was outside to know that he was there. Quaint little rental house in the French countryside sounded the perfect place for a horror movie to start.

Gripping the phone in his hand, Dan was half way to ringing Phil when he heard Colin's collar rattle as he shook his head and then the voice of his mother asking the dog if he was cold. No mad man or beast attacking the house. No need to ring Phil and wake him up in the middle of the night. Just his mum and her dog. 

"Mum?" Dan called out as he opened the screen door to the porch. "Why are you out here so late?" 

"I don't know. Just taking it all in." The candle light was barely illuminating the area around her, with Dan unable to see her face. "Thinking big thoughts." 

"I know those all too well." Dan leaned down to pet the dog and then continued to use his phone to find his chair from earlier. Their wine glasses and bottles were still on the table from before, but it looked like his mother had switched to water just as Dan did. Taking a big drink of his water, Dan watched as Colin moved back down to sit near his mother's feet. He was a good dog and had kept her company through all the transitions she had faced in the past few years. "Want to share any of them with me?"

"That is why we are here." Dan's mother turned her face toward him and, with the light of his phone lying on the table, he could see that there were tears in her eyes. 

"Mum, are you crying?" 

"Still a bit drunk. I don't drink like that. My sons are bad influences on me." His mother wiped at her eyes with the back of her hands and then smiled in her eldest's son's direction. "I was just thinking about everything that has changed and how I need to find out what I want to do in life now. Both my sons are grown men and they don't need me anymore. My husband, will, let's just say I am not entirely sure where he is right now." 

"I'm in the same place in life. I told everyone I am queer and now I need to figure out what the means for me. Not that it changed anything in my life really. I'm still me. My life is still my life, but it was empowering to say it to everyone. Shed that shame hanging over me. Now, I need to figure out what I want out of life without that invisible tether holding me in place." 

"Was that what it felt like? An invisible tether?" His mother turned toward him, taking in the grown features of his face. Her eldest son had always had a baby face and he finally looked like he was maturing into his age. 

"It is hard to describe, but yes. Something only I could see and, apparently, the only way to make it go away was digging through a shitload of emotions and repressed thoughts. And then talking about it. I don't feel that pressure holding me down now. I feel freer to be me." Dan took another drink of his water and then watched his words process across his mother's face. 

"I had an invisible tether as well. Maybe I still have one." His mother copied Dan and took a drink of her water. "Daniel, can I ask you a question?"

"I will give you the same terms I gave Adrian. You can ask anything you want, but I reserve the right to not answer." 

"There was a boy that came to our house once. He gave me a letter and said I needed to give it to you. He said he was in secondary school or college with you. He also said it was important." If his mother noticed Dan's breathing was changing, she did not acknowledge it. "Was he...I mean...it was just that he said it was important and that you wouldn't likely answer him any other way. Was he someone you dated?"

Taking a shaky breath, Dan attempted to ground him. The sound of Colin breathing near his mother's feet. The distant sound of some type insect in the field. How the light from the candle and his phone cast a large shadow of the two of them on the screen door leading back into the house. The feel of the wooden chair underneath the weight of his body. "Not exactly. He was someone that I was interested in. He was interested in me, or so I thought. He...he was kind to me, at first. I felt I could like him and trust him. That I could be with him. All the other lads at school, they were so rude. They would say things to me, ask me if I wanted to suck them or wank them, even in front of the teachers. Kieran wasn't like that. He would say sweet things to me, just only when no one else was around. We kissed and he panicked. He didn't speak to me for months. Then at the end of school, I went to a party and he was there. He was drunk and...he wasn't nice to me. He really wasn't nice to me." 

"Oh, Daniel." The tears were back in his mother's eyes and Dan couldn't look at her. "Was he the one that did that to your face? That made you stay in your room for over a week before you would talk to anyone?" 

Dan nodded and pushed back the wetness in his own eyes. He was sick of crying over it but he was more sick of hiding from it. "He stopped me before I could leave. He grabbed my arm so hard. I still wanted to be with him, but not like that. Mum, everyone my age was there and he humiliated me. They were all a few yards from us and he wouldn't let me go. He said he missed me but he...pushed me to my knees and he held my face against him. I couldn't move. I couldn't breathe. I finally shouted for him to stop and he kneed me in the face so hard I fell backwards. The ground was cold and the night sky was narrowing. I couldn't breathe. Then he punched me and I blacked out. Erin drove me home when I came to and I slowly stopped talking to her. I was so unfair to her." 

"I didn't know." There were more tears in his mother's eyes and she was holding her hand over her mouth. "I would have never gave you that letter. Fuck, I would have never sent you to that school. It was right there in front of me and I didn't know. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry that was your reality. I should have done something. Anything."

"I didn't tell you. I didn't tell anyone. Until Phil." Dan wiped away his tears and took the last drink of his water. "He came into my life just as I was beginning to give up on myself. He was so perfect. Not literally, because the man is a mess, but he was so perfect for me. He was kind and sweet. And not just because he wanted to be with me, but that just was how he is. He was already out, for the most part. He had some bad experiences as well and it was harder for him to find mates that understood him. Mates that wouldn't take advantage of his sweet nature. He hadn't had many relationships. I was literally seeking his attention online. Hardcore attention-seeking behaviour and it worked. We started talking and it was like I could finally see myself having a future. Without him...I don't know. I might not be here." 

"I need to have a proper sit down with him." Dan's mother gave him a sad smile, the light showing that she still had tears in her eyes. "It kills me a bit to know that you have this relationship with his mother that I don't have with him. It's hard not to compare myself to her. I want to know him. I want him to come on holidays and to Christmas. You kept me from him for so long. You kept me from you as well." 

"I'm sorry. I wish I could go back and change things. It was just so hard to trust that everyone would not push me away. I was not who Dad wanted me to be and I felt like I was always disappointing you. I didn't want it to be just another thing that I was that was a disappointment to the family. I know now that it is not, but at the time it felt very real." 

"Aren't we the sad lot?" Dan's mother brushed away a piece of hair that was falling into her face. Turning her full attention to her son, she waited until Dan looked at her before she continued. "I want to share something with you. I haven't spoken about this in years, but I think it is important for you to hear. I will not speak much on your father because that is his story to tell, but I want to share my story of how you came to be." 

"Mum, I'm sorry I said you shouldn't have had me. It was just something that the monster inside my head uses to torture me at times. I shouldn't have said that to you." 

"No, this is important. I was pregnant before I was pregnant with you. Before I met your father, there was a boy that I fancied in school. Much like the boy you described that did that horrible thing to you, there was a boy that did those horrible things to me. We were going together for a few months. We were both sixteen and I thought I loved him. He was wonderful and sweet and he said he loved me. I told him I didn't want to have sex with him. I wasn't ready. He said he understood and he was willing to wait. Until one day, he wasn't anymore. He told me either I had sex with him or he would go find someone else to have sex with him. I loved him and didn't want the relationship to end, but I also knew that I was not ready to have sex with him. I tried to explain to him but he wouldn't listen. He held me down and he just did it. I was confused afterward. I still loved him, but how could I love someone that would do that? He was my boyfriend, maybe I was supposed to let him do that? We had sex a few more times and each time I felt like I should want to do this with him, so I just went along with it. We were not using anything and I got pregnant. I was sixteen and scared. I knew I was not ready for a baby, but maybe if we could raise it together it would work. I told him and he denied it was his child. He accused me of having sex with other blokes at school. He called me horrible names and started to ignore me. I decided that I would have an abortion." 

His mother took a breath and paused. "It was horrible. I thought I loved this boy and then he deserted me. Then I had to have this horror procedure and afterwards I felt so guilty and disgusting. I felt like the most awful person. A few short years later, I met your father and he was kind. He was nice and he wanted to be with me. I had moved on from the previous relationship and felt like I was at a place in life where I wanted to take charge of my sexual experiences. I slept with your father twice and then was pregnant with you. I could not have another abortion. I couldn't put myself through that again. Your father and I worked it out, with the help of your grandparents."

"I'm so sorry that happened to you." Dan stood from his chair and moved closer to his mother. Reaching out his hand, Dan helped her up and then wrapped his arms around her. Leaning down, Dan held his mother for a few moments before pulling back. "Sorry, that felt like a hugging moment." 

"Thank you. It was a hugging moment." Dan's mother smiled up at him. "I'm sick of crying. Okay, we shared some truths and likely completely ruined our sleep schedule. Maybe we should go to bed." 

"Mum?" Dan called to his mother as she went to go back into the house. 

His mother opened the door and left Colin run inside before turning her attention back to her son. "Yes." 

Blowing out the candle and picking up his phone to use the light to guide them inside, Dan continued, "I am extremely grateful that you choose to have me and that you scarified the early years of your adulthood to care for me. Not just because you shared that story with me, but because it is true. I want you to be happy. Promise me you will put yourself first this time and find out what is going to make you happy." 

"I promise." Dan's mother smiled at him, waiting for him at the door. As he walked closer, she continued, "Being here with my sons makes me happy. This is the beginning of a new era in this family. I need to find a way to match the energy of my sons during this stage of life." 

The pair walked down the hallway toward the bedrooms. Dan paused at his mother's door, with his bedroom at the end of the hallway. "Mum?" 

"Yes, dear." 

"I love you." 

"I love you." His mother smiled back up at him again. "Now go to bed or no nature walk for you tomorrow." 

"But Mum, I love nature walks. I love getting all sweaty and feeling like my legs are going to fall off." 

"No buts, mister. Off to bed with you." His mother pushed him down the hallway toward his room. "Goodnight." 

"Night." Dan smiled back before walking into his room. 

His brother was still sound asleep on his bed and the room was quiet. 

Dan went to his bed and laid down, his phone still in his hand.

He wanted to ring Phil and tell him everything his mother had told him.

He also wanted to ring his father and ask him why he had to be such a prick to their mother. 

It wasn't the time for either phone conversation, but Dan didn't know if he could sleep with all the new information and emotions coursing through him. 

In the end, what he found was that he really wanted to make a video about everything he was experiencing right now. And that was surprising because he wasn't sure if he would ever want to make a video again. His last was years in the making and it had done well. Maybe too well because Dan always had this idea that whatever he did needed to be grand, which was dumb, but it was something he dealt with. How could he ever top a video like his last? Maybe it was best to go out on top rather than fade away into the abyss.

But Dan wasn't feeling like he was fading.

He felt like he was shining bright. 


	3. Chapter 3

If someone would have bet Dan a million pounds that the evening would end in Phil not talking to him and Adrian receiving a DM from a man both he and his brother made out with in a gay club in France, Dan would have taken the odds that it would never happen. 

Yet, there he sat on a bench in the middle of the Marais district of Paris with his phone still lit up with Phil's name and feeling utterly lost. This wasn't how the evening was supposed to go.

His brother suggested going to explore the night life of Paris following the family's adventure through the French countryside earlier in the day. Their mother opted to stay at the rented house with the dog and told the boys to have fun while she relaxed.

On their way there, Adrian suggested they go to the gay district and explore the gay clubs. 

"Come on, it will be a laugh. What is the point of being out if you cannot go to a gay club with your brother?" Adrian egged him on in the backseat of the vehicle on their way to the city. "We are both dressed up and we can bond over what guys we think are cute. I'm straight but I can appreciate a beautiful man." 

Adrian did not know about the disaster of Dan going to the gay club in LA. He didn't know that Dan was flirted with and it brought up old memories of a time where he was made to feel helpless. And fears about what his future could have been if he would have not met Phil and continued on the path to a law degree and marriage to a woman. He didn't completely know about how much shame Dan carried with him for years and how being in a club surrounded by queer people brought up all those feelings about being found out. And all the thoughts about how much of Dan's life had been wasted on trying to hide something that was essential to his existence. 

Adrian didn't know and Dan didn't tell him, but Dan also knew that the previous club had been months ago and he had worked on more of his issues since then. He shared more of his fears with Phil and they promised more of themselves to each other since then. Dan was allowing himself to embrace more of his queer identity and to not second guess if he wanted to share something "queer" with the world. 

And he enjoyed bonding with his brother. He still had ill feelings of needing to compete with him but the more Dan learned about his brother, the more he understood that Adrian was just as insecure as Dan was with himself. And France felt like a safe place. He was outside of his typical area of existence and statistically there was less of a chance of running into a subscriber in a gay club in Paris.

He also wanted to prove to himself that he could do it. He wanted to prove that he could be comfortable enough in his own skin and existence to be inside a queer place without panicking. He wanted to do what his mother had shared with him and take control of his sexuality. 

Being with Phil was amazing, but he also skipped over some major life events by being with Phil when he was so young. He had only ever been with Phil in any sort of romantic or physical way. He never explored his sexuality with someone outside of Phil. He never had one night stands and playful flirting with someone he might never see again.

The alternative to that was that he meet his soulmate when he was eighteen years old and he never had to worry about STIs. And he was likely too introverted to want to spend that much energy into finding men to have causal relationships with. 

"Please, Daniel. I have never been." Adrian smiled over to his brother from the other side of the seat. "Ring Phil and get his permission if you need." 

"I don't need Phil's permission. We aren't like that. We trust each other and both know that neither of us would ever do anything like that." Dan looked back at his brother and debated with himself about agreeing to go with his brother. They both had been drinking but neither of them were drunk, so both were in their right mind to decide this for themselves. And Adrian seemed so excited at the possibility of sharing this experience with him. "Okay, but we are not staying all night. And if you do anything to embarrass me, I'm going to wee in your bed in the middle of the night." 

They had their driver drop them off in the district and they went to the busiest club they could find. Dan did not frequent clubs, but outside of the majority of the patrons being men and a few colourful flags, it seemed like a standard club. The music was as loud as the club in LA, but the DJ was playing more European style music. 

Dan did not have Phil as his safety net and he and his brother did not have a safety word to get them out of overwhelming situations, but Dan felt okay being in the club. He knew he would ever feel 100% at peace in a queer club, but that was more about the fact that he would never feel 100% peace anywhere in public. 

Adrian took the lead and within a few minutes of being inside the club, he had them both with drinks and moving along the edge of the dance floor.

Adrian was more confident in his dance moves than Dan was in his but he wasn't good by any means. Dan found himself laughing at his brother's attempts to get the attention of various men that caught his eye. His brother's obnoxious behaviour was allowing him to relax and forget where they were. Dan started to wheeze when Adrian accidentally spilled his drink on a man he was attempting to flirt with and the man turned around and started grinding on Adrian. 

As the song was transitioning to the next, the man stood back from a very flushed looking Adrian to ask in French if the pair were twins. 

"Just brothers." Adrian smiled at the man. He was fit, with dark curly hair and a strong stance. He was just shorter than Adrian and appeared to be more Adrian's age than Dan's. "My name is Adrian. This is my older brother, Daniel." 

"Henri." The man leaned in closer to them both to shout over the music. "British? Or Australian? It is hard to hear in this place?" 

"British. We are here on holiday and celebrating my brother's coming out." Adrian leaned back in to shout at Henri, noticing how Henri's hand was still on his forearm.

"Oh, exciting time!" Henri smiled to Dan and placed his other hand on Dan's forearm. "We drink to that?"

"Sure." Dan nodded and followed Henri with Adrian back to the bar.

Henri ordered for all three of them and then guided them to an area further back in the club, where it was somewhat easier to hear.

"Congratulations on your sexuality. Welcome to the party." Henri raised his glass to the brothers' glasses, with all three of them taking a drink in celebration. "I live out now, but I had to leave my brother behind. It is nice to see a brother supporting another." 

"I have a pretty good one." Dan smiled to Henri and then to Adrian. The fluttering in his heart was easing and he started to feel more comfortable. It helped to have Adrian as a buffer for the conversation. "We got closer when I came out. I literally couldn't have asked for a better response." 

"Lucky boy." Henri agreed taking another drink. "We dance more?" 

"We suck at dancing." Dan shook his head, slowly sipping his drink. He wanted to remain in control of himself. "But this is nice." 

"No one cares here. You dance. You find the one. You fuck. And you do it again next week if you are lucky. If you are really lucky, you find your forever." Henri finished his drink and waved the empty glass to the club. "My forever might be out there." 

"I hope he is." Adrian downed his drink and offered his hand to Henri. "Let's go dance and find him. Come on, Daniel. To the dance floor." 

Dan went with them back to the dance floor and lost himself in the music and the beat. His brother just as uncoordinated dancing next to him and off of Henri. Henri did not seem to mind which brother he rubbed up against nor that neither one knew what they were doing. They continued through two more songs before Henri pulled them away again for more drinks. As before, he ordered for the three of them and brought them to a table in the back of the room. 

"You both suck at dancing." Henri laughed looking between the brothers. "You sure you are not twins? Same smile. Same eyes. Same dance moves." 

"No, I'm older. And Mr. Perfect here is younger, with his whole world ahead of him." Dan teased brushing his arm against Adrian.

"I'm sorting some stuff out. I know that I am not going to be a professional dancer now, thank you both very much." Adrian laughed looking down at his hands on the table. "The world is scary. So many big decisions to make. So many people to break your heart." 

"Heartache is life. You must kiss many frogs before your prince. My grand-mère told me." Henri set his drink down and smiled at Adrian. "Maybe I'm your prince?" 

Without thinking first, Adrian moved closer to Henri and kissed him. It was a quick kiss, with Adrian mainly pressing his lips against Henri's before stepping back and blushing. "Nope, still a frog." 

"Because that was not a kiss!" Henri laughed and stepped closer yet to Adrian. "May I?" 

Adrian briefly glanced to Dan before nodding his head and leaning back into Henri's personal space. Henri took the lead for the kiss, pressing his lips lightly against Adrian's before brushing his tongue against his bottom lip. Adrian made a show of opening his mouth and soon he had Henri's tongue brushing against his own. Adrian's hand gripped the table and he pulled back from the kiss. It was nice. Warm lips and wet tongue was always nice, but it did nothing for him. 

"No prince." Henri brushed back some hair over Adrian's ear while he kept eye contact. "Too bad." 

Dan watched as his brother, his straight brother who never had to worry about liking boys, kissed and flirted with Henri like it was nothing. No angst. No emotional crisis. Just a kiss and a flirt and no cares in the world. It wasn't fair. Why couldn't he be like that? Why couldn't he just do that without caring about what it meant? Before he knew what he was doing, Dan grabbed Henri's elbow and pulled him away from his brother. "My turn." 

Henri's lips were not as full as Phil's and he tasted like alcohol. Henri's tongue moved against his own, but Dan took the lead with the kiss. Moving his hand up the back of Henri's neck into his curly hair, Dan stepped in closer and pressed his lips further against Henri's, making Henri's head lean back to accommodate Dan's aggressive kiss. Moaning to the newness of kissing Henri, Dan realized what he was doing and stepped away. Henri's lips followed him for a few more seconds and Henri stumbled back to standing on his own without Dan's hand in his hair. 

"Fuck." Dan hadn't kissed anyone else besides Phil in over nine years. He kissed some random guy at uni with a dare but he told Phil right after it happened. He hadn't wanted to kiss anyone besides Phil in over ten years. Even before they met in person and their relationship changed from best friends on the internet to lovers in real life, Dan had no desire to kiss anyone else. Dan hadn't even really wanted to kiss Henri, but watching his brother kiss him without a care in the world and knowing that it was too easy for him made him act without thinking. "I'm sorry. We have to go. Adrian, we have to go. We have to go." 

Dan left for the exit before Adrian acknowledged that he heard him. 

It was warm outside and the city was beautiful. He was in France and the night was perfect, except he might have just fucked up the best thing in his life because he still felt he needed to compete with his brother. 

"He gave me his Insta handle." Adrian laughed bumping against Dan standing outside the exit to the club. "He said he would message me. He said that you are an amazing kisser." 

"Shut up." Dan kept his eyes on his feet and pulled his right thumb with his left hand. "I just fucked up and you are going on about messaging him. I shouldn't have done that. Why did I do that? That was so stupid." 

"It was just a kiss. Phil didn't care about that guy at uni, right? He won't care about this. Tell him I kissed him first." Adrian bumped his arm against Dan's and waited for him to give him a reaction. "It was nothing. He will understand. You said he trusts you." 

"Yes, he trusts me not to do stupid shit like kiss men in a queer club!" Dan began to pace in his spot. "Adrian. I fucked up. Why did you have to kiss him? Why is it so easy for you to kiss him?" 

"It is just lips, and a bit of tongue." Adrian watched as his brother paced back and forth a short distance on the pavement outside the club. "I know I'm straight and fancy women, but it is harmless to experiment a bit with men." 

"God, are we sure we are both from the same DNA?" Dan shook his head as he stopped his movement back and forth to stand in front of his brother. "Do you even understand how much I would have shit myself if I had done that when I was your age? Or even just last year? And for you, it is nothing." 

"Yes, because I'm straight and it doesn't mean anything for me. I don't know how I would have been if I was gay or bi. Maybe I would have second guessed myself as well. Maybe I would have hid it from my family and completely isolated myself from my brother as well. Maybe I would have ran away and left my younger brother to deal with all that shit in that house by himself." 

"What do you mean?" 

"You left me there. You ran from it and you left me there. I wanted a brother and you didn't." Adrian shouted at him and caught the attention of a few people walking into the club. "You left me alone with them fighting with one another. You left me alone to deal with Dad when he was angry and Mum when she cried." 

"I couldn't stay there. Adrian, I literally could not stay there any longer. I hate it there. I hate that room. You don't understand. You just don't." Dan kept his voice down but he was just as intense with his tone as Adrian had been when he was shouting. "I didn't know they were fighting that much. No one told me." 

"Because you were never there! I didn't choose to be the younger brother. I didn't choose to be this much younger than you. It wasn't fair for me either." Adrian walked closer. "And then you had to go and get internet famous. I had people at school asking me about you and random people on the internet asking all sorts of questions. And the sad thing was that they probably knew you better than I did. I didn't even know my own brother." 

"I'm sorry. It was selfish, but I didn't know." Dan waited until Adrian looked back at him. "I'm sorry. I did want a brother but I couldn't stay in that room any longer. And no one told me how bad it got with them. But that is what we are doing here, right? Figuring this all out and airing out all the past hurt." 

"I know." Adrian took a deep breath with his hands on his hips. "Fucking family, huh?" 

"Exactly." Dan took his own deep breath and reached for his phone. "I know this might seem like I'm running to him again, but I need to talk to Phil." 

"No, I understand." Adrian shook his head and reached for his phone. "I'm going to get a ride home, come with me and ring him when we get back." 

"I can't. I need to talk to him now before I talk myself out of it and make it worse." 

"Okay." Adrian began to walk back toward the main entrance to request his ride and shouted the rest over his shoulder. "Be brave. Remember he loves you. And that we love you." 

Hearing his brother's words made him tear up and he couldn't respond to him. Dan walked a few yards until he found a quiet spot and pressed the button on the phone to ring Phil. 

"'ello? Dan, are you okay?" Phil's voice was rough, having clearly been woken up from sleep. Dan was not sure what time it was but it was likely late and Phil was at his parents' house, which meant he likely went to bed earlier than he would normally.

"I'm sorry I'm calling so late." Dan took a deeper breath and counted to three in his head. "I'm fine. Physically, no emergency. Just, I fucked up." 

"Is that why you didn't video call me?" Phil's voice didn't sound as rough but he seemed tense. "You know I don't like talking without seeing the other person." 

"I just...I can't have you look at me when I tell you this."  


"Dan, you are scaring me." 

"Adrian wanted to have a night out with me. He talked me into going to this gay district and we went to a queer club. We meet a man here named Henri." 

"And?"

"We were all talking and then Adrian kissed him." Dan took another breath and looked around the quieting street. It must be even later than he thought. There was not many people around and the music from the club seemed to quiet. 

"I have yet to hear how you fucked up." 

"I watched them kiss and I got upset. Why was it so easy for him to do that? Why couldn't that have been me? Why did I have to struggle so much with this part of myself? It didn't seem fair. I didn't think and I kissed him. Proper tongue and hand in hair and all." 

"So you thought that kissing some random guy in a club was the right way to handle you being jealous about your brother? Or were you trying to prove something to yourself?"

"I don't know. I didn't like that it was that easy for Adrian to kiss him. I wanted to feel that free and I wanted to be able to kiss him, so I did." 

Silence.

"Phil? Please say something." 

"I don't know if you want me to say that I want to say." 

"Please anything. Say it." 

"I love that you have this new confidence about yourself and you are opening yourself up to new experiences. But you are scaring the hell out of me. You keep making all these references about being with other men and at the same time you keep denying that you would do anything about it. That you love me and want to marry me. But have you told your family about Nevada?"

"No. There just-"

"Why do you think that is? Why can you not just say to them that we made promises to each other and that we want to get properly married to one another? Soon, hopefully. What is stopping you? You told them you are queer. You told them you are in love with me. They accepted it. They still love you even knowing something you thought was going to push them away. Yet, here we are months later and you still haven't told them. You are on a family holiday with them and you haven't told him yet. What you did decide to do, and make time for, was kissing some guy in a gay club. Because you still have this deep seeded need to compare yourself with your brother or you have this deep seeded desire to prove to yourself that I'm going to leave you. There must be a part of your brain that just does not want to accept that I fucking love you just as much as you do me. But now, there is a part of my brain wondering maybe Dan doesn't really want to be with me. Maybe it was just easier for him to be with me. I was the safe choice. Being with me allowed you to run away from your family. Then over the years, I was the only option you had. Either you stayed with me, the safe option, or you told the world and went and found someone else. Maybe you never really wanted to be with me. Maybe I was just the only option you had and now you think there are other options out there...maybe you want to explore those options." 

"No. I want you. I have only ever wanted you." 

"Or am I just the safe option? Because clearly you have more options available to you now. You keep pointing them out to me. You keep making choices that prove you want to explore those options. And maybe that makes sense. Fuck, Dan you were eighteen! Eighteen and scared. And I was that magic ticket away from it all. Oh course you would fall in love with me...or did you fall in love with the safety of me?" 

"No, with you." 

"Then why do we keep having this same conversation? What is going on with you? Tell me."

"I don't know. I know I want you. I have only ever known you..." 

"Maybe that is it. You don't know what else is out there." 

"But I never cared before? Why now?" 

"Because everyone knows now and the world didn't end, Dan. You said it yourself. That big scary monster inside your head lied to you all along." 

"I love you, Phil. I don't want anyone else. I know that. I just kissed him because Adrian could. I still need to sort out my need to compare myself to him." 

"Take the rest of the holiday and sort it out. Ring me when you have an answer."   


"Phil...we can't just leave it like this."

"Why?"

"Because I'm scared and you always talk me through it when I'm scared." 

"I'm scared too, Dan. I'm scared you are changing into this new person that is going to decide you can do better than me." 

"I'm not. I can't. Please, Phil. I love you." 

"I know." Dan could hear Phil settling himself in bed. "It's late. I have to go to sleep. Mum wants to make breakfast with me tomorrow. You know what kind of disaster that is going to be. I need to be awake to have any chance of not cutting off a finger." 

"I'm ringing you tomorrow." 

"Okay. Not early, though." 

"Phil?" 

"Yes?"

"Say it back." Dan's voice broke on the last word. 

"I love you." 

Dan heard the call click off. 

Sat on a bench in the middle of the Marais district of Paris with his phone still lit up with Phil's name, Dan finally knew what it felt like have his heart broken. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maybe that monster in his head had a name.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is some sexual content between Dan and another male character. It was needed to get through this path. It is not end-game.
> 
> There is mention of Dan's suicide attempt in this chapter.

Dan sat on the bench for the next few hours, until the sun rose and people woke to start their day. The once bare streets now held people walking toward their destinations, with Dan listening to their chatter as they moved around him. The majority spoke French, with Dan only able to understand a few words here and there. 

Much like his own thoughts: Only understanding bits and pieces of what they all meant. 

Their relationship had never been perfect because no relationship was, but there was never talk of not being together.

The thought of not being with Phil had drove him to therapy and lead to the realization that he was finally uncomfortable enough to make some changes in his life. He made himself vulnerable to his family and then the world. He worked through the issues of the monster in his head telling him that it would all go away if he shared who he really was with everyone. He worked through the shame of being a gay teenager in that room. He worked through the pain of being humiliated in front of a group of his peers when Kieran sexually assaulted him. He worked through the self-esteem issues and identity issues to find a place where he could experience love for himself. 

He promised himself to love Phil forever around a pool in the middle of a desert in Nevada. 

All to fuck it up by acting on an urge that he didn't even know what it meant. 

Looking at his phone, he saw that it would be late enough in the morning that Phil was likely up and cooking breakfast with his mother. And he noticed that his battery was almost drained, which wouldn't work well for getting himself back to the rented house where his mother and brother waited for him. 

He couldn't not ring Phil. He would walk back to the rented house if he had to, though he didn't even remember what city it was in let alone a street address. He would find a way but he had waited hours to talk to Phil again. 

Pressing the button, Dan raised the phone and tried to fix his hair with his other hand. He must look a mess, but he didn't care all that much. 

"Good morning." Phil answered the phone in his usual morning tone, a bit grumpy and lower than his normal voice. "We are finishing breakfast. Mum is here." 

Phil moved the phone to allow his mother to wave to Dan. "Hello, love. Your pictures look wonderful. You must be having a great time with your mum and brother. I'm so chuffed that you were able to go as a family."

"Hello, Kath. Thank you. It is a much needed trip. We are talking to each other. Like, really talking to each other. It is a bit exhausting." 

"You look as knackered as Phil did this morning. You pair stay up all night talking?" Phil's mother looked toward Phil behind the screen. "I love your father but I could never stand to talk to him as much as you two talk to one another." 

Phil turned the phone back so he was on the screen. His mother was right, Phil looked like he hadn't slept much the night before. Even though he was on the screen, Phil continued to talk to his mother. "Just wasn't use to that bed. Ours is so big now, it is weird to sleep in a normal size bed. And it was harder to sleep without Dan." 

Dan heard Phil's mother make an 'aw' sound off the screen, but Phil didn't blush like he normally would when his mother teased them about being sweet with one another. 

"Phil, can we talk?" Dan watched as Phil kept his eyes on what Dan assumed was his food, not looking up at Dan. "I need to ask your opinion on a few video ideas." 

Video ideas was code for a private conversation. 

"I'll leave you boys to your business." Dan heard off the screen and then saw Phil's eyes quickly turned toward where his mother sat. 

"Mum, you don't need to leave."

Code that Phil didn't want to talk to him in a private conversation. 

"Dan, I trust your choice on it. I give you permission to do what you think is best. Like what we said before, just do what you think you want." Phil eyes went to the screen and saw multiple emotions on Dan's face. Phil was referencing the few talks they had had on the subject. Dan always said that he didn't want to venture outside of the relationship, but Phil told him if he ever did, that they would have to talk about it beforehand. It started as a joke years ago, with both Phil and Dan going through the list of male celebrities they thought were fit. Over the years, their talks turned to what the other would do if one wanted something else. Neither had ever actually acted on what they discussed. "Don't tell me before though. Just after you do it."

"Phil, I think we should decide this together. I want-"

"No. Just do it, Dan. Whatever you need. I promise, I will support it." Phil moved his eyes away from the screen. "I need to finish my breakfast. Family adventure day. We are going for a walk." 

"Have fun. And be safe. I don't want to hear about you falling off a cliff." Dan attempted to make his voice sound light, but he was failing. "Bye, Kath."

"Have a good holiday, dear." Phil's mother called over Phil's shoulder. 

"Be safe, Dan." Phil's eyes focused on pressing the button to end the call, with Phil's face freezing for a moment before the video call was ended. 

Dan looked to see where his battery was at, with only a 10% charge left. As he went to turn down the brightness of the phone, a message from Phil popped up on the screen. 

_Rule 1: Use condoms for anything penetrative, anal or oral_

_Rule 2: Don't give him your direct number or add him on anything. _

_He can never talk to you again. _ _Unless you really want him to, then _

_we need to discuss the direction of our relationship._

_Rule 3: You can't spend the night. _

_Rule 4: Tell someone where you are located, either your mum_

_or Adrian._

Dan knew the rules. They had discussed the rules. He never really thought they would ever need to follow them.

Dan sat in his spot on the bench for a few more minutes going through his options of how to get himself back to the house. Requesting a car would be the easiest option, but his battery would be drained before he could complete the hour drive back to their house. Maybe his mum and brother could pick him up, and then they could explore more of the area outside of Paris. 

As he was lost in his thoughts, Dan startled when a man stood in front of him blocking the sun and shouting, "You were never there!" 

It took Dan a few seconds to find his voice and look up to see who was disturbing him. "Excuse me?"

"Last night. Your boyfriend was upset and he shouted that to you. I was leaving the club with my friends." The man smiled down at Dan and offered him one of the coffees in his hand. "You had a late night? Coffee for you." 

The sun was creating a halo effect around his dark long curly hair and Dan just knew that God was fucking with him.

The man was fit and appeared to be around his age, maybe a bit older. He was dressed casual, with tight fitting ripped jeans and a white shirt that was slightly too big for him yet hung onto him like it was meant to have that shape. Dan couldn't place his accent. 

Dan stared at the coffee being offered to him and wondered if this was the start of a horror movie. Tourist lured into a murder van by a fit looking man offering a coffee.

As if reading his mind, the man attempted to reassure him. "It is not drugged. Just coffee. You look like you need it. Did you stay out here all night? It must have been some fight for him to kick you to the street." 

"He wasn't my boyfriend. He was my brother. We are working on communicating as a family." Dan took the offered coffee and opened the lid, looking for evidence of drugs. It appeared to just be black coffee and he took a tentative sip. It tasted like coffee. Good coffee. "Sometimes communicating means being loud." 

"Yes. That is true. I have five brothers. We are loud at one another." The man gestured to the empty side of the bench. "May I sit?"

Dan knew it was his turn to say something but it was one of those moments when words had more meaning and he wasn't sure what meaning he wanted them to have. 

"Or should I go?" 

"No. I'm British. I'm supposed to say sorry and offer you to stay." Dan moved a bit over to allow more room on the bench and focused on drinking his coffee. "Thank you. I'm Daniel. Or Dan." 

"Raphael. Or Rafi." Rafi sat down on the bench and took a drink of his coffee. There was an awkward silence that passed through them that Rafi eventually broke by sharing information about himself. "I am on a trip with my friends, but they all abandoned me to drive out to some winery. They said I needed to wake up early to go, but I was too tired from last night." 

"I can't place the accent, where are you from?" Dan told himself that he could do this. He could have a conversation with the man. The man was either interested in him or just one of those super kind people that went throughout life just sharing information with random strangers. The latter were the people that Phil typically encountered in his day to day life. Phil never knew how to respond to random people talking to him in the beginning of their relationship, but over time, Phil started to talk back some. 

"Finland. Just outside of Helsinki. Rather very outside of Helsinki but everyone seems to know where Helsinki is so I go with that." Rafi laughed to himself and turned his body so he was facing Dan. "And you?"

"London." 

"Outside London, or actually in London?" 

"Actually London. We moved there for a business venture and it worked out. Almost lost everything, but we made it." Dan smiled at the memory. Phil was so nervous about the move, but Dan knew it would work out. It had to, or they were going to have to go back to a tiny flat closer to Phil's parents. Or even live with Phil's parents for a bit until they could find their feet again.

"We?" 

"Boyfriend?" Dan still was not used to using that word to refer to Phil to someone he had just met. It felt like he was sharing too much of himself by admitting that he had a boyfriend. It was one of those words that meant something when a man used it. Automatically, the other person would have this idea of him. 

"You don't sound so sure. Did the relationship not survive the transition?" 

"That is to be determined right now." Dan looked up to the busy street and saw there was even more people moving around. It must be getting later in the day and he needed to let his mum or Adrian know what his plan was. His phone didn't turn on when he went to unlock it, and he grunted his annoyance. 

"I have that phone. See?" Rafi held up his phone to confirm he had the same one as Dan. "Do you want to charge it? The hotel is empty. My friends won't return for ages." 

There was an invitation in his offer, one Dan picked up on immediately, and he was positive that God was fucking with him. 

"Unless your to be determined would mind?" Rafi brushed back some hair that blew into his face and Dan was glad to find that he had brown eyes. He couldn't deal with any blue-eyed men today. 

"He wouldn't." Dan answered reluctantly. If he went with Rafi, then it meant this was real. He was in Paris with a hot guy hitting on him and Phil had given him permission to do whatever he wanted with him as long as he was safe. His heart was fluttering and he could feel the blush creep up his neck. He wasn't sure this was what he wanted but he also knew that he would never know unless he went with it and saw where it would lead him. "You don't mind?"

"A handsome guy in an empty hotel room with me? My friends gone for the day? Your to be determined not minding? Sounds like a great way to allow your phone to charge." Rafi smiled as he leaned his arm against Dan's arm. "We could find ways to pass the time."

Rafi's hotel room was nice. There were four men staying in a moderate sized room that had two double beds. Rafi mentioned that two of the men were in a long-term relationship with one another, yet the group had all been friends for ages. When the two men paired off as a couple, it had thrown off the dynamics of the group for awhile until they found a new way of interacting with one another. Rafi said he had no interest in pairing off with the other man, with Rafi knowing his friend too long to have any sort of romantic feelings toward him. 

Rafi offered to charge Dan's phone as soon as they entered the room. He then kicked off his shoes and told Dan to make himself comfortable. 

Following Rafi's lead, Dan removed his shoes and sat on the end of the bed that was not fully made. Dan assumed the bed was the one Rafi shared with his friend. 

Rafi moved into the space between Dan's legs and rested his hands on Dan's shoulders. Dan could feel his heart pounding in his chest and he felt a bit lightheaded.

"You okay?" Rafi asked moving his hands up to rest right underneath Dan's jaw, using gentle pressure to raise Dan's head up more so he could see his eyes. "We don't have to do anything if you don't want." 

"No." Dan shook his head slowly. He needed to do this. He had permission and he had someone willing. Someone who seemed nice and Dan was clearly physically attracted to at the same time. Remembering that he had been dancing in the club last night and then sat outside for the remainder of the evening, Dan panicked. "Is it weird if I took a shower? I've been outside all night and..." 

"No, it is not weird. I like men that practice good hygiene. It makes everything else much more enjoyable." Rafi smiled down as he brushed his thumbs against the lower part of Dan's cheeks. "Can I do something first?"

Nodding his answer, Dan closed his eyes as Rafi leaned down and captured his lips. After a few seconds, Dan opened his mouth and pressed up into the kiss, his hands reaching for Rafi's narrow waist. It was nice. Rafi knew how to kiss and he was being gentle with him. Rafi could likely sense that Dan was not fully comfortable with being in the room with him and he was allowing the pace to go slow. 

Rafi was much smaller underneath his hands than Phil was, with his hips narrower and firmer. Phil was lean but he had wide hips that led to a full butt. Rafi, with his smaller waist and hips, had a smaller butt. A butt that Dan was massaging as he stood up into the kiss but found it was then too far away to reach without leaning down more.

Rafi was opening his mouth more, allowing Dan to press his tongue deeper. Dan had to lean down to kiss Rafi, with Dan finding he much preferred kissing Phil because they were the same height and he didn't have to struggle with lowering his head to reach his lips. 

Dan felt Rafi's hands moving across his stomach to find the bottom of his shirt. Soon Rafi pulled away from his lips to raise Dan's shirt up and over his head. Rafi looked at him and smiled before stepping back in closer and kissing his chest near his collarbone, his hands moving around Dan's waist to rest against the lower part of his back where his trousers met his skin. 

Rafi leaned his weight against Dan as he moved his hands underneath the back of his trousers and into the waistband of his pants. It was then that Dan pulled back and attempted to control his breathing. "I need to shower." 

"Want me to join you?" Rafi smiled up at Dan before kissing along Dan's upper chest to the other collarbone, where he bit down slightly on the underpart of the bone. 

Dan had never had a shower with anyone besides Phil. It was extremely intimate to be naked and cleaning oneself in front of someone else and Dan knew he didn't want to share that with Rafi. Showering together was something only he and Phil did. 

"I would rather shower alone." Dan ran his hands down Rafi's back and then rested them on his hips, just looking down at him. His long dark hair had curls that were much tighter than his own and his eyes were a shade of brown lighter than his own. "Do you have condoms?" 

"Who goes on a trip to Paris without condoms?" Rafi laughed as he pushed Dan away in a playful manner.

Obviously Dan did not get that travel advice because he had traveled without condoms. Phil and him rarely used them anymore. If they were somewhere where they couldn't take their time afterward, they would use them but even that was rare. Both had been tested prior to sleeping with one another, with Dan just being tested to share the experience with Phil. Phil was tested again six months following the first test, but neither of them had been tested since then. The beauty of being with only one person meant that there was no panic about diseases or infections. 

Dan laughed as well, not wanting Rafi to know that he had no clue about the travel requirements for condoms. 

The shower was nice and there was various liquid soaps from Rafi's travel companions in the shower waiting for him. Dan turned the water up high and stood underneath the water for a few minutes before he started using the soaps. He was good until he opened a body wash that Dan knew was in their shower at home. The smell of the sweet scent gave him a visceral response and Dan knew then he wouldn't be able to have sex with Rafi. He didn't even want to see where it would go or what it would be like with another man. 

Dan toweled off quickly and grimaced putting back on his old pants and trousers. Mainly because he knew that he needed to go back out here and explain to Rafi that he couldn't go through with it. 

"I need to..." Dan paused as he walked around the corner from the bath to the main room area. Rafi was laid on the bed, naked with his full cock in his hand. He was gorgeous. His skin looked tan against the bright whiteness of the bed sheets. His dark hair was pulled back, so that it rested on the back part of his head and allowed his long neck to stand out. His chest was bare, but he had dark hair on his stomach leading down to where his hand was gripping his thick cock. He was cut, with Dan never seeing a cut penis before in real life. "Damn." 

"You wasted time by putting your clothes back on." Rafi bit at his lip as he started to stroke himself. Dan's eyes moved between Rafi's lips to the movement between his toned thighs. "Come here." 

"Don't hate me, but I can't do this." Dan blurted out all at once as he focused again on Rafi's hand moving up and down his thick, cut cock. There was a bit of precum on the tip and he had a large vein that Rafi's middle finger moved against as his hand went up and down. Phil didn't like porn, but Dan had been watching it since he was a scared teenager. Rafi laid on the bed was a real life porn scene and Dan felt himself growing hard as he watched the show. 

"Is it because of your to be determined?" Rafi removed his hand from his cock and moved further back in the bed, so his erection was mainly hidden from Dan's view. Dan was glad he had moved, with Dan feeling he could finally move his eyes back up to Rafi's face without the distraction. "How long have you been together?" 

"Almost ten years exactly. More if you count when we were just friends." Dan reached for his shirt on the ground and pulled it over his head. 

"Fuck. How old are you?" Rafi pulled the bed sheet over himself. 

"I turned 28 in June." Dan moved to where his phone was charging and saw it was at 58%. More than enough to get him back to his family. "I know. I was young but when you find the one that is your prince, you never let him go. You certainly don't fuck it up by chasing some idea with a random stranger. I'm sorry. You were so kind to me and you are so fucking gorgeous, but I can't mess this up. I am so in love with him. All I could think about was how you were not him. How you were different in nice ways, but how I wanted him. Please don't hate me. I would stay and help you finish, but I couldn't." 

"I understand. I don't have even 10 months with someone. Ten years is a lifetime." Rafi gave Dan a wave as he left. "No hard feelings. Will, maybe some but I can take care of it." 

Dan awkwardly waved back after putting on his shoes and then left the room. He didn't want to wait for the elevator, so he took the stairs down the five flights to the lobby of the hotel.

Keeping his head down, Dan went through his phone until he found the number he wanted. 

"Hello." Dan heard on the other end as he stepped out into the busy Paris street. It was getting later in the day, with the sun high in the sky and the air warm around him. His hair was drying and it would likely be a curly mess soon. 

"Hello." Dan moved out of the way of a family of four walking down the pavement, two parents trying to keep up the same pace as their two young sons. "Did you get the pictures I sent?" 

"I did. You seem to be having a lovely time. Your mum looks happy. I haven't seen her happy in...ages." 

"It is nice here. We are working on communicating more. I am allowing myself to open up more. Adrian shouted at me last night, but it was real. Mum told me things the other night, and that was real as well. I finally feel like this family could be a family that talks to one another." Dan leaned back against the brick wall of the hotel building, allowing the blur of the city to move around him. "Ironic that the whole family is not on this trip. Maybe that is why we are talking more." 

"I didn't grow up talking to my family. We didn't share feelings and emotions with one another. There was no time for that nonsense according to my mum. My mother never hugged me that I know of in my life. I rebelled against it during my teenage years, but it is hard to go against your upbringing." 

"Is that your answer to why you made all those comments about me? Why you couldn't just accept me as I was? Why you made me feel ten times worse than the stupid lads at school? Because you were my father. You were supposed to protect me from bullshit like that. Not be someone that I needed protecting from." Dan bit at his lower lip and felt the tears burning in his eyes. "You knew about me before I knew. You wouldn't look at me! Fuck, Dad, you made me hate who I was. I tried to change it. I tried to get you to notice that I changed. I got a fucking girlfriend and tried to dress masculine. But nothing worked because it wasn't something I could change about myself. Once I realized that, I decided the only option I had was to kill myself. I couldn't be who I was and it was too painful to keep being who I was pretending to be. I wanted you to find me. For you to see that you did that to me. But it wouldn't have been you that would find me. It would have been Adrian or Mum. And I couldn't do that to them." 

"Daniel." His father paused on the line. 

"No. Listen to me. Just shut up and finally listen to me. I'm gay. Or queer. Or a poof or whatever word you want to use to describe me. I'm in love with a man. A man that is so kind and wonderful to me. A man that taught me I was okay just as I was. That there wasn't anything wrong with me. But I couldn't fully believe it. I couldn't believe it because I had your fucking voice in my head telling me it was wrong." Dan took a breath and found he couldn't see anything but blurs around him. "I thought I had this monster in my head but it turns out it was you. I almost did something incredibly stupid because of your damn voice in my head telling me to not trust myself. Mum said I can't make you out to be the villain in my story, but fuck if you don't fit the part."

"I didn't know what I was doing. I told you. I was trying to sort it all out. I didn't have anything to go by. When I was young, if I was doing even half of the things you were doing, it would have been beaten out of me. I wouldn't have to worry about topping myself, it would have been done for me. I didn't get it right. If I could, I would go back and try harder. But I never laid a hand on you." His father's voice alternated between upset and sad. "I had hands laid on me and I was never going to do that to my child." 

"Fuck! I'm going to marry him!" Dan shouted into the phone, not caring there were people around him. He couldn't see anyone with the blur, just colours that swirled around as people moved. His heart was beating in his throat and it was getting hard to swallow. It felt like the water was entering his lungs again and he couldn't breath. 

Dan could hear the distant sound of his father's voice still on the phone but he couldn't hold the phone up anymore. His hands were trembling and he wanted Phil. He wanted Phil to take his hand and help him sit up so the water would leave his lungs and he could breathe again. But he didn't have Phil because Phil was upset with him because Dan let the voice in his head win. 

He let his Dad win. 

Willing himself to raise the phone closer to his face, Dan saw a blur of red and pressed down hard on the button. It seemed to work, with Dan unable to hear his father's voice anymore. 

Adrian was the first name he could read on his phone, so he rang him. 

"Daniel? Jesus, scare us why don't you. Mum was about ready to start looking through every gay club in Paris for you." Adrian called for their mother through the crowd of people. "I had her drive me back to where we were last night. Where are you?" 

"A hotel." Dan struggled to get the air out of his lungs enough to project his voice. "Outside a hotel. I can't see anything." 

"Okay. What hotel?" Adrian shared the information with their mother and then he must have put it on speaker because now he could hear her voice as well. "Daniel?"

"Mum. I can't see. I can't breathe." Dan's breaths were coming in gasps now. "I don't know...I don't know where I am." 

"Oh, pooh bear, just breathe for me." His mother's voice was kind and it reminded him of when he was a child and she would hug him close to protect him from the dark. "I think we see you. Are you sitting near a white brick building?" 

Dan turned his head to look and saw the blur of white behind him. Before he could get his answer out, his mother was in front of him. There was another blur behind her that must be his brother. 

"Daniel, pooh bear, can you hear me? I'm right here." Dan felt his mother's hands on his head, soothing down his hair. He dropped his phone down and reached for her, crushing her a bit too hard against his chest. She moved her arms down to wrap around his shoulders and she whispered into his ear. "Shhh, breathe for me. Just breathe." 

Dan let out a shaky breath and then tried again. The water was slowly leaving his lungs. 

"Shh, just like that. You are okay." Dan felt his breathing even out more but his heart was still beating fast. The blurs around him were sharpening so that he could see objects again. 

Dan loosened his hold on his mother, but he kept his arms wrapped around her. Now that he was more aware, he found that his brother was sitting next to him. Adrian's hand was on his back, just underneath his mother's arms. Before his journey of self-acceptance, it would have been jarring to have them so close to him and comforting him. Now it was the only thing he wanted. 

"You are okay." 


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adrian and Karen reach out to Phil for advice on how to help Dan. Dan and Phil talk about Dan's encounter and both come to realizations.

_Did Daniel talk to you last night? He said that_

_he was going to talk to you._

Adrian was surprised that his text was answered before he could finish pouring more wine into his empty glass. After petting Colin and allowing him to settle on his lap outside on the porch, Adrian opened his phone to see the reply. The sun was just starting to lower in the sky, with Adrian alone with the dog on the porch. 

_-He told me about the club and the guy you _

_both kissed._

_Did he tell you anything else? We think he had a_

_panic attack. He stayed out all night _ _and then we _

_found him struggling to breathe _ _outside a hotel. _

_He kept talking about _ _drowning? He slept the whole _

_car ride home _ _and he is still asleep now. _

Adrian took a drink of his wine and startled when his phone started vibrating indicating that Phil was Facetiming him. Pressing the button to connect the call, Adrian gave Phil a half smile. "Hello." 

"Hello. It was an intense conversation. I basically told him to sort out some thoughts he had been having. He Facetimed me this morning and I gave him permission to do something. He might be panicking about that. He does that, gets lost in his head and then he talks about drowning. It is related to that guy in the field. He says that it feels like he is drowning when he is triggered. Harder to breathe and his heart races, and he typically gets flush." 

"Does he talk about not being able to see? He kept going on about that before we got him in the car." 

"No, I haven't heard that one before. The panic attacks got bad when he decided not to go back to university and then when people started digging into our past. He had them under control until this past year. It was a lot for him to go through. Coming off the tour and then being around you guys, wanting to tell you but at the same time terrified that you would confirm all those negative thoughts he had in his head. It was bad again right before he officially told you and the rest of his family. He stopped taking care of himself and couldn't sleep. Normally, he isolates himself through the worst of it. It is likely what he is doing right now. I...we talked about something that probably freaked him out." 

"Did it have something to do with kissing that guy? Because it was harmless. We were talking about kissing frogs to find your prince. For a laugh, I kissed him and he said I wasn't a prince. Daniel kissed him right afterward and then ran out of the club. We shouted things at one another and then he said he needed to talk to you. I wanted to go a gay club because I knew it would be a bonding activity. I begged him. We were having fun. He was dancing! Badly dancing, but he was like this fun version of my brother. Even more so than when I visited you in London. He was happy and confident." Adrian shifted the phone to his other hand. "I feel like I finally get to know him, but I don't know what to do with him when he is like this. He never showed us this before. Yes, isolating himself in his room, but never panicking like this." 

"You said he was in a hotel?" Phil saw the concern on Adrian's face. Phil knew the helpless feeling of watching someone you love breakdown in front of you. Over time, Phil learned how to help Dan through it, but it was still difficult even for him. 

"Outside one, yes. He was sitting on the pavement against the brick building." Adrian thought of something and shared it with Phil. "His hair was wet. I just remembered that. Maybe he stayed in the hotel after I left him." 

"He was outside when he rang me this morning. It sounded like a busy street."

"That was probably right by the hotel. The club we were at was right nearby as well. That is how we found him. Mum and I drove back to the club and just started walking around. He rang me and then went on about not being able to see or breathe. Mum went into mum mode and was calming him down, but he wouldn't talk to us. Maybe he would talk to you?" Adrian felt the dog move from his lap and watched as Colin ran toward the door to greet their Mum. "Mum, Phil is on the phone." 

"Smart boy." Their mum stepped around Colin, who was making a show of seeing her again even though she only had taken a short kip. Sitting in a seat close to her youngest, she smiled at her eldest son's boyfriend. "Hello, Phil." 

"Hi. How are you?" Phil fidgeted with duvet covering his lap. He was in the guest room of his parents' house, with both of his parents retiring to bed early that night. Phil had been attempting to distract himself with random videos when he received the text from Adrian. "Dan showed me pictures of around the house. The French countryside looks beautiful." 

"I'm not so good right now, but that is why we are here. Adrian tell you about his panic attack? Does he get those? I don't know, it is not like I'm his mum or anything." Karen gave Phil a sad smile and wrapped her arms around her middle. 

"I was telling Adrian that he had them years ago, with uni and people looking too deep into our relationship. He started therapy and it helped him learn to control them. The tablets helped as well, but he didn't like some of the side effects so he weaned himself off them." Phil looked between them when he saw the confusion on their face. "Did he not tell you any of this?" 

Karen simply shook her head and Adrian looked toward his mother to see if she knew. Clearly, neither of them had known. 

Phil never asked but he wasn't really surprised that Dan didn't tell them. Talking would lead to questions, which would lead to more talking. Dan would then have to lie or the truth would have came out at some point. 

"They started again when he decided he needed to tell you. He says that he is stuck in that field and he can't breathe because there is water filling his lungs. There wasn't water that night, but it is a pretty consistent metaphor he uses. I only learned about the drowning when we were in the States after we came out. Did he share with you anything about that trip?"

"Pictures. He has been sending us pictures of where you went. That started this year. More since he opened that door." Karen pushed her hair back and took a breath. "I knew he was hiding something from us, but I didn't realize how much he was hiding. I really must have done a slap-up job of being his mum." 

"He always talks kindly about you. Always." Phil attempted to console her. "It is just...he doesn't like to be vulnerable around you. He told me he would have told you years ago if..." 

"If our father wasn't around?" Adrian filled in the gap for Phil. "He was going on about that when I told him I already knew about you two. He said he couldn't tell Dad. He didn't want to disappoint him more than he already had. He is not an easy man to please." 

"Adrian." His mother scolded for speaking about their father in front of Phil. Then she realized that Phil likely already knew all about her sons' father. He probably knew more about her own son than she did and that was a bit disheartening. "Never mind. Phil likely already know all about this, probably more than I do." 

"We talk about everything. Literally everything. He hid the thing with Kieran from me until this year though. Otherwise, ten years is a long time to get to know someone." 

"Ten fucking years." Karen huffed and squeezed her arms tighter around her middle. "If I knew he wasn't in so much agony, I would shout at him. Ten years of him keeping you from us. Adrian had a girlfriend once for three weeks before she came 'round for Easter Sunday. Three weeks! I know you have come 'round before, but not like you should have. I should have had you for Christmas or Easter. I should have sent you birthday cards and gifts. Does she do that? Your mum? Does she send him birthday gifts?"

"She normally bakes him food. He likes these mini cakes she makes." Phil didn't add in that his mum had baked those mini cakes with Dan before and that Dan had helped make the Christmas desserts last year as well. "We didn't tell them. They just figured it out when he was always around." 

Karen let out a laugh that sounded like a sob as she covered her mouth with one of her hands. 

"You had been asking questions too, Mum. It is not like they are some super parents or something. No offense, Phil." Adrian rested his hand on his mother's knee and then turned back to the phone screen for the last part. 

"They kinda are though. But I'm biased because they are my parents. My father needed some time to get his head around it but he never said anything against it before to me. Dan, he had years of comments and he figured he would already know his father's response. He wasn't ready to say goodbye to you yet." 

"I wouldn't have done that. Never." Karen shook her head and wiped at her tears. "Why did he think I could ever do that?" 

"It is pretty common actually. We know someone that had their family send them threatening letters about needing to repent for their sins and, until they did so, they were not allowed to go home. And another mate that only talks to his sister, but if his family found out, they would likely shun her as well. And people message us all the time telling us stories about their families abandoning them once they came out. LGBTQA+ people have higher suicide rates because of their families not being supportive. Don't even get me started on conversion camps." Phil was a tolerant person but he could not stomach the thought of conversion camps and how they attempted to 'cure' something that was perfectly natural. 

"I had a mate in uni that had been in one. He said it was awful and the only way he got out was pretending to be 'cured' of his demon. He left home and put as much distance between himself and his family as he could." Adrian alternated between looking at his mum and Phil. "He went to mates' houses for Christian holidays but he lost all faith in religion and his family after that camp." 

"It is a problem for too many people." Phil nodded his head in agreement. "Me and Dan have been working with a charity that helps youth that have been thrown away. We are both pretty passionate about it, but Dan goes out of his way to support it. You don't know how happy he was that you responded so positively. He literally thought he was going to have to say goodbye to you if you knew. He couldn't get passed it. But he got to a point in his life that he couldn't live with that anxiety weighing him down. It was work through it and face it head on, or continue to make himself suffer." 

"I wish I could go back." Karen held eye contact with Phil through the screen. "I would have told him I loved him no matter what and that he could tell me anything. Then I would have told his father to either do the same or leg it." 

"But we cannot go back. We can only go forward and the only way to go forward is to go through whatever we are dealing with." Phil smiled at Karen. "You can't beat yourself up for something you didn't know about." 

"But I knew. At least a part of me did and I didn't say anything. We all got so used to just existing around one another and not sharing our lives with each other." 

"Part of that is on him as well. He acknowledges that. He says that it is not healthy to put all the blame onto others. We have to own our shit." Phil balked at the last word. He had never cursed in front of her before and he wasn't sure if he was allowed. "Sorry. Our own crap." 

"Phil, you are not going to offend me." Karen laughed. "At least I know that much about my son, he understands the power and descriptive nature of a curse word." 

"That he does." Phil laughed with her. 

The countryside around them was alive with night sounds and it filled the silence as the three of them sat digesting the information shared. Colin had moved to a new spot further from the group where he could watch the fireflies move across the field. 

"What is going on?" Dan called from the screen door, his voice sounding rough with sleep and worn from crying earlier. Dan saw the phone being held out by his brother and he hoped it was not his father. "Who are you talking with?" 

Adrian moved the phone around so Dan could see who was on the screen. 

Dan sat down into his chair without looking where he was sitting and bit the inside of his lip as he saw Phil on the screen. He was wearing his glasses and he looked tired. Way too tired for being with his parents and spending time outside. Trips to his parents' house had always energized him, even when his father was ill. Just being with his family made Phil happy. "You look like shit." 

"I could say the same to you." Phil looked away from Dan to the side of the screen but he couldn't see if Dan's family were still there. Dan wasn't holding the phone so he assumed they were. "Did you do the thing we were talking about? Is that why you had a panic attack?" 

Dan bit down harder on his lip and nodded his head slowly, taking a shaky breath after a few moments. He wasn't going to go into the details with his mum and brother watching him, but he wanted to be honest with everyone. 

"Did it help?" Phil asked hesitantly. The panic attack could have been triggered by a multitude of different scenarios and he wanted to clarify what had happened.

"Some." Dan answered reluctantly. He didn't want Phil to think that it was more than what it was. It helped him to realize that he didn't want to be with anyone else and that he needs to stop listening to the voice inside his head. "But that is not why I panicked. I talked to my father. Afterward. I rang him and I got some things off my chest. Things I had been holding on for far too long." 

Dan looked over the phone to his mum and brother after he finished sharing. They both looked as tired as he felt. There was a reason people repressed emotions and hid them away to never be dealt with. It was exhausting to live like this. It wouldn't have been so dreadful if they had dealt with some of these issues as they made themselves known, with the toll of dealing with everything all at once making everyone physically feel the effects of trauma. 

Looking back down to Phil, Dan reached for the phone and took it from his brother's hand. Holding it out so that Phil could see all three of them, Dan took a deep breath and decided to be brave. It was dark with only a few candles illuminating the porch, the sunset long passed, but hopefully Phil could still make out all their faces. 

"Mum. Adrian. Me and Phil want to get married. We have rings and we already made promises to each other. I want you both to be there when we legally vow to be together." Dan looked to his family in front of him and then his family on the phone. "Phil, I want to do it soon, okay? Like next year soon." 

"That is more than okay with me." Phil smiled through the tiredness he felt and laughed as both Dan's mum and brother hugged him at the same time. That was new. Phil had never seen that before with Dan and his family. Hugs were typically brief and only used in greeting or in goodbyes. The screen went dark, likely due to Dan moving both his arms to hug his family back. 

Phil heard some shuffling around and then both Adrian and Karen call goodnight to him before Dan's face was back on the screen. 

"They went inside." Dan looked toward the door even though he knew they were gone. "I still have Adrian's phone. I will need to send him money for data." 

"How are you?" Phil moved a pillow behind him and slid down further into the bed, so that he was lying down but had his head propped up to see the phone resting in both hands on his lower chest. 

"Better." Dan reached for Adrian's abandoned wine and finished it in one gulp. He hadn't ate anything since dinner the night before, with only the coffee from this morning sustaining him. He slept for most of the car ride, with Dan waking up every few minutes and then going back to sleep. He went straight to his bed when they arrived back, ignoring the questioning looks from his mum and brother. He was too tired to function and he only wanted to sleep, with the events of the night and day weighing on him. "I didn't have sex with anyone." 

"Okay. You could have. I said it was alright." Phil saw the phone shift as Dan sat back further in the chair and then likely put his legs on the chair across from him. 

"There was someone. Universe has a way of slapping you upside the head at times." Dan waited thinking through what he wanted to say, with Phil patiently waiting on the other end. He knew Dan liked to get his words right and he was more than willing to give him time. "Right after you ended the call, a man recognized me from the club. How weird is it to say that? Never mind, not as weird as it to say this next part. He basically invited me to his hotel room with an offer to allow me to charge my phone. The battery was drained at this point. I didn't go home, or back here. I just sat on the street overnight thinking. I thought about you and us. I thought about the first time we spoke on Skype and how gorgeous I thought you were even though the connection was awful and we were only mates. I thought about the first time I kissed you and how big your eyes got before you kissed me back. I thought about us moving in together. And then us moving house to London. How scary it was but okay because we had each other." 

"You were fucking shitting yourself and you know it." Phil interrupted to point out the truth. 

"But I had you so we could live in the streets and I would have been okay." 

"Tell me more about his man." 

"His name was Rafi and he was lovely. Offered me a coffee and a phone charge. We went to his hotel room and kissed. He took my shirt off and was touching my chest and back. He was fit, with a narrow waist and a small butt. He didn't fit my hands the same way that you do. The whole time I was touching him and kissing him, I was comparing him to you. He felt nice. It was nice to kiss him. I asked to take a shower beforehand and your bath wash was in the tub. Smelling it, I knew I couldn't do anything more with him. I didn't want to do anything more with him. I don't believe I ever did." 

"How did you leave it? At this point you are wet in the shower and he is where?" Phil's tone was harsher than he wanted. He had given Dan permission to do what he needed, but hearing about it wasn't settling well with him. Dan was his to touch and he never had to share him with anyone before. "Was he there? Did you smell the bath wash on him?" 

"No." Dan shook his head. "I was alone. I put my clothes back on and went to get my phone to leave. He was on the bed, naked and hard. He was touching himself and it felt like a porn scene. All sexy and exciting but void of emotion. Physically, he was amazing to look at and he looked better out of clothes than he did in them. He had dark curly hair. Cut and thick. But that was it. I didn't feel any sort of way for him. It wasn't like with you. The first time I looked at you, I felt it. And that was when you had all your clothes on and I didn't know every sorted detail about you. I'm exhausted right now, but just looking at you through this small screen, I can feel you and it makes me feel better. You always make me feel better. Even when you are annoying the shit out of me, just looking at you sends off so many chemicals through my body. Being away from you for these last few days, my body aches to be closer to you. It knows I feel better with you near." 

"If you had felt something for him, would you have gone through with it?" 

"Probably not. Nothing I could have felt for him compares to being with you. The life we created together. Yes, you are safe for me but at the same time, you have the power to literally destroy me if you want to. Rafi could never destroy me, even if I did feel something for him. So in that way, you are not safe for me. I'm not with you because you are safe. I would have ended it a long time ago if that was the case. I'm with you because I love you and it is so incredibility mad that I get to be in love with my best friend, and business partner. And plus, and plus. I'm sorry I had to even doubt it. I'm sorry if I made you doubt us." Dan would have been crying if he had the energy, but his body was spent. 

"I'm going to ask you more questions about him when I can process my thoughts better." Phil yawned and covered his mouth with one of his hands. "I love you." 

"You can ask me any question you want. I think I had a five hour nap, but I'm still tired." Dan yawned himself. "I really want you here right now. I want to cuddle you." 

"Being away from one another every now and then is healthy." Phil yawned again and took off his glasses. The phone was close enough that he could see most of Dan's features. "And it makes coming back together even better." 

"I told my father off. That is what sent me over the edge." Dan studied all of Phil's features, grounding himself to the moment. "We spoke here and there since I told him, but it was just like before. We talked but we never said anything. I said things this time. I don't remember what I said, but I know that it is what triggered me to being that boy again. He lives inside me and he hears the voice of his father telling him horrible thoughts about himself. It wasn't some random monster, Phil. It was him." 

"You need to evict him. He has been taking up residency for far too long. And he is an awful resident." 

"I am working on that next. Identify the problem and what you are in control of, then make the steps necessary to work on the problem." Dan smiled as Phil's eyes started to close and then blink back open again. "I'm giving you some expensive advice here and you are falling asleep on me." 

"I like hearing your voice. It makes me sleepy." Phil smiled and stretched his body, his face going off screen until he finished his stretch. "Like you are here with me." 

"You are coming next time. End of." Dan watched as Phil's eyes went shut again and stayed closed. "Phil. Phil." 

"Yes, love." Phil opened his eyes. 

"Goodnight. I should give the phone back to Adrian. And go to sleep myself." 

"Is he still in your room?" 

"Yes. His room has that smell." 

"Okay. Maybe tomorrow night, can we fall asleep together?"

"I could kick him out. Or go in the smelly room even." Dan smiled as Phil's eyes closed on him again. "Phil, put the phone down." 

"No, you." Phil smiled back and yawned. "Dan, maybe I should turn the phone off." 

"Yes. I will talk to you tomorrow." 

"Tomorrow. Only a day away." 

"Yes, only a day away." 

"Think I should go full ginger?" Phil yawned again and turned onto his side. The phone moving with him and Dan not able to see anything as the camera was covered up by the bed sheets. 

"No. I like you hair dark." Dan stood from the chair and started making his way back inside. "Did you hear me?" 

The only sounds Dan could hear was the even breathing of Phil, signaling that he was asleep. "Night, love." 

Dan turned off the phone and continued to his room to give the phone back to his brother and fall asleep himself. 

The day started in heartbreak and progressed to the promise of healing. 


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Their holiday starts to wind down.

For the next few days, Dan and his family kept their interactions light. They explored the country and talked about random topics, allowing themselves to process everything. The trip had been needed to open up the lines of communication, but you didn't always need to talk to communicate. Just sharing experiences with one another was allowing them to understand each other more. 

Dan found that Adrian had a bigger fear of the dark than he did and had similar ordering behaviours he needed to engage in. One such ordering behaviour was arraigning his clothes by colour, with Adrian shouting at Dan each time he went into their shared wardrobe and moved the blue shirt in among the black clothing. On the day that Adrian wore the blue shirt, Dan didn't know what to do with himself. 

Dan also learned that Adrian had a text thread with Phil that dated back to just after he had dinner with them in their flat. Dan had randomly asked Adrian who he was texting as they ate their breakfast and Adrian showed him the conversations and pictures sent back and forth between Adrian and Phil. The current text had to do with Dan freaking out about a spider in their room and Phil sending Adrian a GIF of a man with a flamethrower burning down a house. 

"I didn't know you were talking to him." Dan gave the phone back after scrolling up to the top of the conversation thread and focused back on his cereal. Their mum had insisted on traditional French food for the majority of their meals, but the brothers had sneaked in some contraband following their last trip to the store. As she was readying herself for the day, both brothers were eating their sugary treat. 

"Is that a problem?" Adrian asked with no hint of animosity in his tone. He finished up his cereal and took both Dan's and his bowl to the sink to wash before their mum came back. "We don't talk much, just when the urge hits us." 

"Are you serious? I love that you talk to him." Dan reached for his phone and found that he forgot to grab it when he left their room. "I was going to show you the random shit I text Martyn, but I seem to have forgotten my lifeline in our room." 

"Have you found yourself looking at it less and less here?" Adrian asked over his shoulder. 

"Somewhat. I have found that I only look at it to see if Phil messaged me. He should be going back to London today." Dan wondered if their fish was still alive. Phil had bought a fish feeder that was supposed to dispense food at the appropriate times while owners are away. "I hope Norman didn't die on him. The man killed hundreds of pounds worth of plants and he thought it was time to upgrade to something more challenging to keep alive." 

"And yet the man wants a dog?" Adrian laughed as he put away the bowls and hid the cereal box high above the cabinets. Their mum was too short to see the evidence. 

"And children." Dan sighed as he watched his brother hide the cereal. It made him miss Phil. The hiding spot would not work with Phil. One, he would be able to reach it and two, even if he couldn't see it, he would be able to sniff out the sugar like a trained bloodhound. 

"Yeah? I could be an actual uncle?" Adrian smiled as he watched Dan look longingly at the hidden cereal box. "Hey, earth to Daniel!" 

"What?" Dan turned his attention back to his brother. 

"Why are you looking at the cereal box like you want to snog it or something?" Adrian walked across the room and leaned down against the counter, so his forearms rested on the wooden surface. Dan was still sat in his spot opposite the counter. 

"Missing Phil. It is dumb, but we don't normally spend this much time apart. I started going with him to family visits and we were on tour for forever together. And for the majority of this year, I have been attached to his side. I am so glad that we are doing this as a family, but it just feels like he should be here. I want him to get to know Mum while drinking wine with her on the porch. I want him to be in on our secret cereal deal." Dan looked down to the counter and traced a pattern with his eyes. "I want him to be here on holiday with us as my husband and not my friend. I have that with his family. I want that with mine as well." 

"I'm sure it will happen one day. We haven't killed each other yet on this trip. We can schedule more. Just maybe not in such an expensive country, not all of us are millionaires." Adrian laughed and moved out of the way of Dan's closed fist coming toward his arm, with Dan just missing hitting the counter without his intended target there. 

"Most of our money is tied up in businesses and investments." 

"Fuck, you already sound like a boring married couple. Do you spend your Saturdays talking about stock options and retirement funds?" 

"Shut up." Dan went to smack him and was happy that this time he made contact with Adrian's hand before he could move it away. "You are just jealous." 

"I am." Adrian said in all seriousness. "You are where I want to see himself in five years. Minus the husband, of course. I want to be stable in a career and in a relationship. Living in my own place and loving my life." 

"If it happened for me, king of the fuck ups, then it can happen for you as well." Dan said back in a tone to match his brother's. 

Colin pranced into the room soon afterwards, with their mother following shortly after. 

"What are you boys up to?" She asked looking between them. 

"Just talking about our futures. Granddad here is looking at retirement and I'm looking at starting a career." Adrian stepped back before Dan could smack him again. 

"Oi, don't call him a granddad. I would be a dinosaur if he was a granddad." Karen shuddered at the thought. She was too young to be a dinosaur. "Where are we off to today? Or are we lounging by the pool?"

"There is a farm in a village nearby. I thought maybe we could soak in some farm animals?" Dan suggested as he stood up from his seat and moved behind his mother so Adrian wouldn't be able to retaliate against him. 

"Soak in some farm animals?" Adrian laughed loudly. "That sounds like some form of torture." 

"Never mind. You suggest something then." Dan wanted to visit the farm to see if he could take a picture of a pig and send it to Phil. He knew Phil would laugh at the joke. 

"I have just traveled back in time." Karen shook her head and raised both her hands to keep her children separated from one another. Adrian was attempting to reach through her to get to Dan. "Separating you two while you argue with one another. Never could get along. Unless you were asleep or playing a video game together." 

Dan and Adrian both perked up at the mention of video games. Neither had played any games since entering into France. 

"And no, we are not playing video games while on holiday in a beautiful country." Karen shot down the idea quickly. 

"But Mum!" Both Dan and Adrian faked whined at their mother at the same time while she shook her head more at their antics.

Lowering her arms, she brought up a topic she wanted to discuss with them. "Your father has asked to join us for a day. He said he has been ringing both of you, but neither are answering him. He wants to explain himself." 

Dan's mood instantly changed from playful to anxious. He had been deleting the voice messages without listening to them and ignoring the multiple text messages his father had sent him since Dan hung up on him. He didn't want to talk to him and he definitely was not ready to see him. The last time he had seen him was Boxing Day, with his father not around for the other family gatherings this year. His parents had another falling out and they were keeping their distance from one another. 

"He understands that it might not be the best time." Karen continued. 

"No. This was for us." Adrian answered for them both. Turning to look at his brother, he saw the same pained look he had on his face as when he was sitting outside the hotel on the busy Paris street complaining that he couldn't breathe. "Our time to sort out our issues. Dad is a whole other layer." 

"Daniel?" Karen moved closer to him and watched as the panic washed over his face, he was starting to look flush. Without waiting for his answer, she took her phone out and opened the message from her husband. "I'll tell him it is not the right time." 

Dan pulled at his fingers on this hands and found some objects in the room to focus on. He had had a good few days and he wanted to stay on that upward trend. "Not now. It can be soon, but not this trip. We only just found our footing, he would throw us all off." 

"Sent." Karen finished the short message declining his offer to spend a day with them. "Let's go find those farm animals." 

Dan made himself stay in the room for exactly ten more seconds until he left to gather his phone from their room. 

Phil had messaged him with three emojis: A man, a plane, and a Zzz. 

Dan messaged back an emoji of a man and a pig. And then went off to drive to the farm and find a real swine to text him. 

****

Following their farm adventure, which turned out to be mainly goats and chickens and no swine, the group went to eat at a small restaurant in the same village. They laughed about their experience on the farm and then decided to spend the rest of the day at the house. Adrian suggested another drinking game, but their mother said she was not participating in anymore drinking games. 

Pulling up to the house, Dan saw a figure of someone sitting on the porch and felt his heart rate increase. His father never listened when he thought he was right and was sitting there waiting to ambush them. Dan wasn't ready to see him. He didn't respect his wishes and came anyway even though his mother told him no. 

The figure stood as his mother stopped the car and Dan's breath caught in his throat.

Rushing to unbuckle his seat belt, Dan left the car door open as he ran across the yard and up the steps to the porch. Dan all but tackled the figure waiting for them, making him stumble back and almost lose his footing. 

"'ello." Dan heard near his ear as the man recovered from the attack and hugged him back just as tight. "I missed you."

Dan moved his head back so he could look at him yet continued to stand just as close as before. Taking in the sight of a face he had spent countless hours memorizing, Dan raised his hands up to rest along the back of Phil's neck and the side of his face. Dan pulled him closer and pressed his lips against Phil's. It was meant to be a chaste kiss, but Dan licked into his mouth as Phil parted his lips for him. It was nothing like kissing Henri or Rafi. When he kissed Phil, he could feel it all throughout his body. 

Phil pulled away first, yet stayed stood in Dan's personal space. He kept his hands on Dan's lower back, pressing him against Phil. 

Dan rested the side of his head against Phil's and willed away the tears. With all the emotions he had been processing in the past week and a half, he didn't realize how much he just needed this to feel right again. Just being in Phil's arms was enough to make everything seem okay again. 

He wasn't sure how long they stood there like that, but all too soon he heard his brother near them clearing his throat. Reluctantly moving his head away from Phil's, Dan moved so he was pressed against Phil's side but they could both see his mother and brother. Phil kept one arm wrapped around his waist, obviously not ready to let go either, and used his other hand to wave at Dan's family. 

"Hello, Karen. Adrian." Phil smiled down at the pair standing near the steps leading up to the porch. "Lovely weather, isn't it?" 

"The weather is quite gorgeous today." Karen agreed as she kept her hand resting on her chest. She had tears in her eyes as she took in the sight before her. Her son plastered against a man she had still recently believed was his mate and business partner. She could see the physical change in her son's posture and demeanor with Phil present and she wondered why she never saw it before. They obviously never showed that side of their relationship with her, but it must had been there. "Care to stay to enjoy it for a few days?" 

"Please say 'yes' and you are not just passing through." Dan squeezed his arm tighter around Phil's waist as he turned his head to his face. 

"I was all set to go home and I got a text from Adrian inviting me here. I figured I would just be miserable waiting for you to come back home, and it was only a slightly longer plane ride here. I supposed I made the right choice." Phil smiled toward Dan before turning back to Karen and Adrian. 

"You can take our room. I'll go back to my original one." Adrian told them as their mother unlocked the door and everyone moved inside. Colin only briefly raising his head from his spot on the sofa. 

"But you said it smells." Dan protested. He had finally removed himself from Phil's side so they could enter into the house and he was already anticipating being near him again. Preferably alone and soon. 

"I lied." Adrian blushed at his confession. "I wanted to stay in the same room as you. I thought it would be a bonding experience. The last time we shared was literally ages ago." 

"Little shit." Dan laughed, glaring at his brother. "I guess I cannot be upset with you. It worked." 

"Go. Away. Go catch up. We will be outside enjoying the weather and the pool." Karen gestured for the pair to head to the rooms. She was still smiling from seeing their reunion on the porch. She always wanted her son to be happy and she was glad to see he had been for years, just in secret. 

Throwing Phil's bag toward the bed Adrian had been using, Dan raised his arms and wrapped Phil into another hug. He would be content to just stand like that for hours if Phil allowed it. 

"I missed you so much." Dan whispered into his spot against Phil's neck, his face resting against warm skin. "I cannot believe you are here. You are here."

"I missed you. I didn't want any other man to steal you away and I had to come reclaim what is mine." 

"Am I yours?" 

"I sure hope so." Phil swayed their bodies as he tightened the grip on Dan's back. 

"I'm yours." Dan sighed contently into Phil's throat. "Only yours." 

"My body." 

"My husband." 

"Mine. Mine. Mine." 


	7. Chapter 7

They stayed wrapped up in one another for a few more minutes before Phil started to complain that he was still wearing his plane clothes. Phil wanted to take a shower, but Dan stopped him by complaining it would take too long and he just wanted to cuddle with Phil in bed. 

Phil said he wouldn’t be able to focus on cuddling if he knew he was still wearing the same clothes that had germs from a million people rebreathing the air on the plane. Dan told him he was ridiculous and just started to take off his clothes for him stating that they could compromise with naked cuddles. 

Phil won in the end, after Dan had gotten his shirt off, with Phil pointing out that while Dan’s family probably had all sorts of ideas of what they were doing in the room alone, he was not going to add to any of the speculation. His parents had known about Dan for ages yet they never flaunted any part of their sex life around them. It was too weird for both of them. 

Dan showed Phil to the shower and then hopped up on the sink counter waiting for Phil to take off the rest of his clothes. 

“Are you going to watch me?” Phil asked raising his eyebrows. Naked showering was right there with naked cuddles. 

“The tap is tricky. I want to make sure you didn’t burn yourself.” Dan folded his arms across his chest and proceeded to watch Phil take off his clothes. The familiarity of simply just watching Phil reveal himself to Dan was beautiful and comforting. It wasn’t as exciting as being in the room with Rafi, but it was a million times better than some random hookup. 

“Perv.” Phil kicked his pants off and moved closer to hand his glasses to Dan to hold. 

“Kiss me.” Dan pleaded as he took hold of Phil’s wrist, ignoring the glasses being handed to him, and dragged Phil closer to where he was sitting. Phil moved in between Dan’s open legs and rested his hand on the small of Dan’s back before leaning in close enough to kiss him. It wasn’t as urgent as the kiss on the porch, with both softly moving their lips against one another. It was nice to just exist in the same space and know that the other was near. 

“Okay. Let me take a shower.” Phil smiled with his lips still on Dan’s, with his attempt to end the kiss denied. Dan tossed the glasses onto a towel next to him, freeing his hand to grab Phil’s ass, and pressed Phil even closer to him as he captured his lips again. Phil’s body was flush against Dan’s. Phil used both of his hands to push against Dan’s shoulders, allowing him to move away from lips that continued to chase his movement. “This feels really good, but I want to take a shower and we are getting too close to something you are not ready for.” 

“I’m so incredibly sorry. I don’t know what I was thinking.” Dan leaned his head forward and rested the top of his head against Phil’s collarbone. He kept his eyes open just to assure himself that Phil really stood in front of him, his creamy skin contrasting with Dan’s black trousers. “I almost fucked this up.” 

“I gave you permission. If it was something that you needed, I was okay with it as long as you followed the rules.” Phil ran both of his hands through Dan’s hair as he kissed the top of his head. “I didn’t like hearing about Reef or whatever his name was touching you, but I would have managed it if it would allow you to finally quiet that stupid voice in your head that makes you doubt yourself.” 

Dan didn’t answer but pressed his head further against Phil’s shoulder so he could rest his face against Phil’s neck. Dan closed his eyes as he felt Phil sway them slightly. This was familiar. This is what he needed. This was what he wanted. And he would never be able to have it with anyone else. 

“Now let me get plane off of me before I get it all over you.” Phil kissed Dan’s ear and then his forehead as Dan raised his head up. 

“You need to watch that around my mum. She doesn’t know that your brain doesn’t think your words through before you say them.” Dan smiled before leaning forward to kiss Phil’s lips again. This time, he allowed Phil to step back and get into the shower. 

“I will try, but you just said I can’t control it.” Phil bent to turn on the tap and adjust the water, knowing that Dan was behind him watching everything. “Are you joining me or am I still just a free show?” 

“Free show.” Dan answered as Phil looked over his shoulder before stepping into the warm water. “I don’t want to go out there with wet hair if you are going to have wet hair.” 

“Too bad this show has a curtain.” Phil smiled back as he made a show of shutting the shower curtain to keep the water in the tub. 

“I already know what is behind the curtain. I don’t need to see it to enjoy the show.” Dan laughed as he shouted over the sound of the water. Touching his lips with his finger, Dan decided to use his time wisely and shave off the hair above his lip. It was an experiment and it took ages to grow, but he had no intention of keeping it. 

Phil ended his shower and took the towel handed to him, drying off his hair quickly and then wrapping it around his waist. Dan handed him his glasses next and Phil’s smiled at what Dan had got up to when he was in the shower. 

“Oh, thank you. That looked all sort of wrong on your face.” 

“It was an ill advised science experiment that turned into a social experiment.” Dan brushed his finger along his now bare upper lip. “I knew you would hate it so I never tried it at home.” 

“You are right, love.” 

“You weren’t supposed to be here, so I took some liberties with my time.” 

“So if I didn’t surprise you, maybe you would have gone full fu manchu?” Phil took another towel to dry off the rest of his body. 

“Fuck off. I have to deal with your razor burn when you don’t shave. You will never know the pain I have to endure for you. You are lucky you are getting married to a late bloomer.” 

“Lucky is an understatement.” Phil hung his drying towel up and then stepped back into Dan’s space, with Dan now stood leaning against the sink counter. “Dan?”

“Yes.” Dan kissed Phil’s nose just because it was right there and he could. 

“You told your mother and brother about us getting married.” Phil's mouth turned up in a smile that he used to kiss along Dan’s jaw. “And, you attacked me in front of them on the porch.” 

“Oh, I kinda did. Didn’t I?” Dan leaned his head to the side to allow Phil to continue to kiss along his neck. Phil was the only one that knew how to make that feel good. Increasing his grip on Phil’s hips, his fingers digging into the towel around his waist, Dan sighed into the touch. 

Phil stood back abruptly and went to open the door, leaving Dan with his eyes closed and lost leaning against the sink. 

“That was just starting to get good.” Dan whined as he opened his eyes and saw that Phil was halfway out the door and heading back to their room. He pushed himself off the counter and followed him. 

In their room, Phil dressed while Dan watched and then he took Dan’s hand to find Dan’s family. 

Karen and Adrian were sitting on the porch overlooking the yard and pool, with Colin jumping up when he saw Dan return with someone he rarely saw. 

“Oh, look at you!” Phil kept his hand in Dan’s yet crouched down to pet Colin, soaking up the attention the dog was giving him. “I heard you have been a good boy!” 

“He travels surprisingly well. I thought maybe he would miss the house, but he likes being in new places.” Karen smiled as she noticed Phil was still holding her son’s hand. It wasn’t as monumental as the running film kiss on the porch, but it was nice to see they were comfortable enough around them to share a small part of intimacy. 

“You hear that Colin? You are just like your big brother, Dan. Yes you are!” Phil continued to talk to the dog in a high pitched voice and ignored the death grip Dan was giving him. Phil smiled bigger as he heard Karen and Adrian laugh hard at his joke. 

“No, no, no. You don’t get to gang up on me now that you are here.” Dan attempted to pull away his hand in fake anger and only succeeded in making Phil fall onto the ground and Colin giving Dan a low ruff at his near death. “Great, now Colin is against me.” 

“Oi, how many times have you ganged up on me with my mum at some Phil-ism? Huh? Or even took it too far with Martyn?” Phil looked up to find Dan had a serious look on his face. He went too far somehow and he wasn’t sure how until he saw Dan look toward his mum. “Sorry. I didn’t mean it like that. It is not like it happens all the time, we just have been around them more. Not that much more. Fuck.” 

“It is okay, Phil. I know he is closer to her because of...reasons. I’m still trying to make peace with that, but I understand.” Karen filled two glasses that were waiting on the table and asked for them to join her and Adrian. 

“How spot on was he about Dan and Colin being alike though?” Adrian attempted to break the awkward tension between them while Dan and Phil found their spots. They had dropped their hands, but still sat near one another. “Both snore and dribble on their pillows too.” 

“You snore too, so shut it.” Dan kicked at his brother across from him as he took a drink. Maybe the alcohol would calm some of his nerves. He had been so up and down today, he knew he was going to crash tonight. But he also knew that he would actually be able to sleep tonight because Phil was there. 

“I think the dribbling on the pillow is cute.” Phil teased as he took his own drink. “We have a special pillow case now so it doesn’t show as much.” 

“Okay, enough. New topic.” Dan sighed and looked toward his mum. “What are we doing for dinner? I thought maybe we could stay in tonight.” 

“We have food. It just needs to be made.” His mum smiled as she looked around the table at the three young men that were sat with her. She was happy to be with all of them, but she was not cooking. 

“Me and Phil can make it.” Adrian volunteered them. “It will be fun. I can show him how to make that dish you liked last week.” 

“Please do.” Dan nodded his head at his brother and reached for Phil’s arm as he stood to follow Adrian to the kitchen. Pulling him down toward him, Dan whispered into his ear, “It wasn’t that good. Just play along. And don’t chop off any limbs.” 

“Always.” Phil smiled moving his head back so he could see Dan’s face again and, without thinking, he kissed Dan’s cheek and went on his way to the kitchen. 

“I like that.” Karen finished her drink and gestured toward Phil’s retreating form. “You two are sweet with one another.” 

“Not always. I just missed him these past few days, so I am being nicer to him.” Dan finished his drink as well and went to pour more for them both. “We argue. He has an ungodly ability to annoy the piss out of me. Do you know that he cannot leave a kitchen without it being in disaster? Adrian thinks it will be fun to cook with him, but he better be ready to clean up all the mess.” 

“Still. There is a connection between you two. I don’t know how I missed it before.” His mum had a sad tone to her voice. “I have never had that. That is special.” 

“Dad was never sweet with you?” Dan asked curiously. He didn’t know much about his parents’ relationship outside of what he had witnessed growing up and the information she had shared with him on their trip. “Even in the beginning?”

“No, he was sweet. It just didn’t turn into anything else, I guess.” Karen put down her drink on the table and turned to face her son at a better angle. “What did he say to you on the phone? Can we talk about that now?” 

It seemed like a good time. Phil was here and had appeared to calm Dan down. He seemed the most comfortable she had ever seen her son. The nervous energy was not radiating off of him and he seemed centered. A part of her wanted to be upset that he needed someone else to make him feel comfortable, but a larger part of her was just happy that he had someone like that in his life. 

“I honestly don’t remember. I know I was shouting at him. I told him that…” Dan paused and looked down to his drink remembering more of the conversation. “I told him I wanted him to find me. If I had killed myself. I wanted him to see what he did to me. Fuck, that was harsh. And unfair.” 

His mother nodded, showing that she was listening. 

Dan took more time to collect his thoughts and attempt to remember more of what was said. “I think he said something about his mum? About her being mean, or strict? Something to that effect.” 

“She was an awful cow.” Karen said with no hesitation. She had only met the woman a few times during her relationship with Dan’s father. “She did not care for me. Told me to my face that I was a slapper that was ruining your father’s life. She had worse names for me when we told her I was pregnant with you.” 

“She was like that with him too, then?” 

“Worse. I don’t think she knew how to love someone. She only wanted to control him. When she couldn’t do that any longer, she stopped talking to him.” 

“Why didn’t he tell me that? It would have made me...I don’t know, feel something more about him.” 

“He didn’t know how. He wasn’t raised to talk about emotions and what he felt. He was raised to do as he was told and when he didn’t, he was punished or pushed away.” Karen moved so she was closer to her son and placed her hand on his arm. “Phil told us about the charity with the kids that are thrown away from their families. It wasn’t for the same reason, but she threw him away.” 

“You can’t just tell me that.” Dan had read too many stories about young people abandoned by their families for things they couldn’t control. He had heard too many stories of kids attempting to kill themselves because the core people in their lives that were supposed to show them unconditional love didn’t want them around. Dan had feared he would be another story if he told his family the truth about him. 

“I was waiting for him to tell you. It is his story to tell, but if you won’t let him talk to you, you are going to continue to hate him. And it is going to destroy any hope either of you have at having a relationship with one another.” 

“Does Adrian know?” Dan rubbed at his eyes attempting to make the blurring go away. 

“No. He is upset with your father because of what is going on between you and him. Adrian said he was going to stand on your side and wait for you to take the lead.” 

“Why does the little shit have to be so perfect?” 

“He isn’t. He just wants to have a relationship with you. He talked about you all the time when he was growing up. Not outright, because he was a teenager, but if you listened to what he said, he just wanted to have a brother that cared about him.” 

“I did. I just couldn’t be in that house any longer. I couldn’t be in that room, Mum. Fuck, that room. I don’t know if I can ever go back there again. I opened up too many emotions these past few months. I didn’t like going home before, I can’t even imagine being in there again.”

“It is just a room, Daniel. Just a room. It is not you. It is not anything but a place with four walls, a few windows, and a door.” 

“Four walls that I stared at when I prayed to God to cure me or just allow me to die. Windows that I thought about jumping out and never returning again.” Dan swallowed and bit his lip. “A door that I was going to…No, it is not just a room. It is too much and I can’t handle it.”

“But you already did. You survived all that. That was a lifetime ago. You found love. You found happiness. That room is still just a room. It has no power. No control over you. It is just a room. Four walls, a few windows, and a door.” 

It was getting darker as the sun was starting to go behind the horizon. Both sat in silence watching the fireflies start to flicker across the field. Insects were waking up and communicating with one another. 

Eventually, Phil came back out to tell them dinner was ready. He lost his jolly demeanor when he felt the mood around him. Looking toward Dan, he found Dan looking out across the field and he wondered what he was thinking. He hoped it had nothing to do with a field from the past. 

Dan turned his attention to Phil when he felt his eyes on him. He wasn’t sure but he thought maybe Phil had said something. “What is that?” 

“Dinner is ready. It looks good. I didn’t do much.” Phil continued walking toward Dan and then crouching down to rest near his chair. “You don’t look good.” 

“I’m going to head inside and help Adrian set the table.” Karen walked back into the house. 

Dan pulled Phil up so that Phil was sat across his legs. “When is this going to end? I opened up some sort of Pandora’s Box and it is never ending. I almost want to go back and just not have to deal with any of this. I want to go back to just you and me, in our house and making videos to share with a world that knows nothing about us. I want to go back to feeling normal again.” 

“But you weren’t normal. You were miserable. The box opened itself a long time ago, you just stopped trying to close it.” Phil brushed back some hair on Dan’s forehead. “We have to go through it to get through it. I’m so proud of you. You are so brave and strong. This could have ended you a long time ago, but you didn’t let it. You are so close now.” 

“I want to ask my father to come here.” Dan wrapped his arm around Phil’s waist, moving the fabric of his shirt so he could touch bare skin. “Will you stay with me when I talk to him? I don’t want to be brave.” 

“Always. And you are brave. Brave doesn’t mean not being afraid. Brave means doing what you know you need to do even though you are afraid.” Phil kissed the spot he created by brushing back his hair. “Let’s go eat this vegan masterpiece. I might have dropped a bit too much sugar in it.” 

“Sugar?” 

“I thought it was salt. Trust me, I improved it.” 

“Adrian know you used sugar and not salt?” Dan stood and allowed Phil to take his hand to lead him inside. 

“Shhh, he can never know.” Phil bumped into Dan as they walked and then bit at his shoulder, reminding them both of a time when everything felt so complicated but really was quite simple. 

Boy meets boy. Boys fall in love. Boys conquer the world together, one day at a time. 


	8. Chapter 8

Phil was right, the sugar did improve the vegan meal, but only for Phil. Adrian grimaced when he bit into his first bite and asked Phil if there was something he needed to tell him with the food still in his mouth.

Phil simply shook his head and took an even bigger bite of his food.

Dan watched it happened and noted the moment because he knew that it was a thing. In a few months time, someone in his family could say, 'Do you remember when we were on holiday in France and Phil put sugar in meatless meatballs and hummus?' or 'Don't let Phil in the kitchen, he will just mix up the salt with the sugar!'

It was a story that Phil was a part of that involved his family and it had little to do with Dan.

They stayed up later than usual that night, sitting on the porch and drinking wine. Adrian was telling embarrassing stories of their trip and mentioned a text that he had sent Phil a few days ago. Something Dan knew nothing about. It wasn't anything important, it was just Adrian sharing something with Phil. As he scrolled through their text thread earlier in the day, it was not something that captured his attention. It was meaningless but so meaningful at the same time. Karen asked Phil about his upcoming projects and she gave him some advice about one of his ideas. Phil said he never thought of it like that he would have to credit her for the idea. 

It was a family sitting together and sharing time. It was a family that was making memories with Phil as someone that was going to be a part of their family for years to come. 

Eventually everyone grew tired and walked themselves back to their respective rooms, Colin choosing to sleep with Adrian that night. Dan was complaining that the dog never chose to sleep in his room when Adrian and him were sharing it. Phil pointed out that Adrian had leftover food that he was bribing the dog with and that Dan shouldn't feel left out of anything. The dog wasn't choosing Adrian, he was just choosing food. 

They readied themselves for bed, sharing the bathroom while they brushed their teeth. Phil bumped into Dan while Dan was spitting out the toothpaste and it almost landed on the floor. Phil swore that he didn't do it on purpose, but he had a look in his eye that said he likely did. Dan wiped up the mess and then tickled a strip of skin showing between Phil's shirt and pajama bottoms, making Phil jump and spit toothpaste on Dan's foot. Phil laughed a bit too loud and covered his mouth as Dan glared at him. It was familiar and fun. It was them and Dan was just too happy that Phil was there to retaliate against him.

Phil jumped into bed first, while Dan turned on his nightlight and the nightlight by Adrian's bed. Adrian had the dog so he could suffer in the dark.

"My pillow is lumpy. I'm taking yours since I am the guest." Phil moved his pillow from underneath his head and went to exchange it with Dan's pillow but was stopped before he could.

"Wait! Don't." Dan quickly turned off the overhead light and rushed back to the bed, running into the corner of Adrian's bed on the way. Limping the rest of the way over, Dan pressed his hand down on the pillow to prevent Phil from moving it.

"What do you have under there?" Phil asked as his eyes adjusted to the darkened room. He still had his glasses on and could see that Dan looked like he was caught doing something.

"Nothing. I just like this pillow." Dan kept his hand on the pillow and sat down on the bed facing Phil. "It has my spit on it and everything now."

Phil turned his head slightly to the side and waited for Dan to tell the truth. All he got in return was Dan looking more sheepish and, if the full lights were on, Phil would likely be able to see a blush creeping up Dan's neck.

"I call bullshit. What are you hiding from me?" Phil smiled as he leaned closer to distract Dan with a kiss. His plan didn't work, with Dan moving away from him and shaking his head.

"I just like this pillow. Deal with the lumps." Dan moved so he could lie down and waited for Phil to do the same. "Aren't you tired? It was a long day. Two different countries. Saying goodbye to your parents. Navigating an airport by yourself. Change of travel plans. Ruining dinner with Adrian. My mum talking your ear off about the book. Lie down and cuddle me."

"It has been a long day, but it was worth it. I found a vegan meal that I love to eat." Phil moved the pillow back underneath his head and turned on his side to look at the side of Dan's face. He was hiding something and Phil was not ready to give up on it. "Think Adrian will forgive me for making him eat all that sugar?"

"He lies about not eating sugar." Dan smiled as he turned on his side to share something he learned about his brother on the trip. "There is a secret box of cereal on the top shelf in the kitchen. Mum doesn't know that it is there. Adrian eats it too. But he eats it like a proper adult, in a bowl with milk, not with his hands."

"I thought I smelled more sugar in there." Phil smiled back as he leaned into Dan's body and quickly moved his hand underneath Dan's pillow. He found something soft underneath it and pulled it back out just as quick. Looking down at the object, Phil was upset. "Daniel James! For shame, young man." 

"Sorry." Dan said behind his hands as he covered his face and leaned his head down to rest against Phil's chest. "I lied about not knowing where it was."

"I looked all over the flat for this! I tided up looking for this! I thought someone broke into the house and took it. Or worse, I had thrown it in the bin instead of the laundry pile. I almost emptied the bin to look for it." Phil turned the shirt over in his hands and smelled it. "Wait, this was in the laundry when I last saw it. Did you take this from the laundry pile?"

Dan nodded his head so faintly that Phil almost couldn't feel.

He bit the inside of his lip and figured he might as well tell Phil why he had it since he was already caught. "It doesn't really smell you like anymore. I had it too long."

"Dan." Phil threw his favorite sleeping shirt to the floor and moved Dan so he was lying properly against his chest. "You could have told me. I would have worn it more before you left." 

"It worked last time but I wasn't gone as long then." Dan buried his head against Phil's chest and finally lowered his hands from his face. "It works better when I'm only gone for a day or two. More than five days is pushing it. Starts to smell like the room. And you had your dumb socks in the luggage."

"How many times have you done this?" Phil asked curious as he brushed his fingers through Dan's hair. Way back in the beginning of their relationship, they would exchange pillows. Dan would bring his to Phil and then take Phil's home. On the next trip, they would switch them again. It helped them deal with the time apart from one another. 

"Lots of times. It helps me sleep. Sometimes it doesn't work though." Dan moved his hand down Phil's stomach to push up the shirt. Moving his fingers up and down his stomach, he watched his fingers move in a random pattern. "I normally don't take something that you will miss all that much. But I knew I was going to be gone longer than usual and I needed something that was extra scented."

"Have you been sleeping?" Phil moved his hand down to Dan's back and mimicked his movement, pushing the shirt up to draw patterns on his back.

"On and off. It is hard to stay asleep. I can bury my nose in the shirt to fall asleep but I wake up in the night." Dan moved his hand lower to brush along the short hairs leading toward the waistband of Phil's pants. "Same dream. Just different people surrounding me. The other night it was my father. I know it is not real, but it feels real when it is happening."

"I thought they were going away." Phil continued with his fingers lightly brushing along the skin on Dan's back.

The dreams had lessened since they returned to London. Dan was allowing himself to trust himself more and be kinder to himself. Purging his thoughts and emotions during the States' trip had helped. He broke through some barriers and allowed that scared boy inside him to have more of a voice. He was trying to quiet the monster in his head by allowing that boy to shout at him. That boy never knew he had a voice to shout back with but he was getting better at it each time. 

The current trip was digging up family issues that Dan had long since buried deep. He hadn't fully dealt with them yet. He only just learned that the monster inside his head was not actually a monster, but his father. It is harder to slay a monster when it has half of your DNA. It was human nature to protect your own, even if your own had failed you. 

"They were, but we have been talking about things related to it." Dan pulled gently on a longer hair he found, making Phil wince as it raised the delicate skin on his lower stomach. "And the shirt stopped smelling like you."

"Do you want to see if we can get you to go under?" Phil increased the pressure on Dan's back at the suggestion. It was something they both did for one another but it was harder for Dan to allow himself to settle enough. "Maybe it will help you stay asleep tonight?"

Phil generally only needed to feel Dan against him and have words whispered into his ear while Dan massaged his head. They had discovered the trick following Phil's fainting episode. The main prescription for avoiding a future episode was learning to relax his mind and body. Dan suggested a head massage. Dan knew Phil liked deep pressure and he was more than willing to add a few special touches to the massage, whispering gentle words as his fingers massaged Phil's scalp.

Phil slipped into a general state of peacefulness during the massage, with Dan concerned the first time that he had hurt Phil. Phil wasn't answering his questions and it took him a few minutes to come back. He still felt content and a bit detached from his body, with Phil explaining the amazing feeling of the experience. The next time, they actively tried to make it happen again and Phil went right into it. Phil would go under when he was too stressed and wanted a break from the thoughts. He would fall asleep and then wake the next morning refreshed from the break.

When Dan was sorting out the thoughts related to coming out to his family and they were not having sex, Phil suggested that they try it with Dan. The head massage did not work and a full body massage did not work either. By accident, they learned that Dan sucking on something helped him fall under. Once they discovered how it worked with Dan, they experimented with different ways to get him to relax. Dan preferred Phil's fingers but he could also go if he sucked on a spot underneath Phil's ear. They decided it was a combination of the sucking motion and the smell of Phil in that spot. 

"Please." Dan moved his legs down so they weren't curled up as much around Phil and moved a bit higher on his chest. "Are you comfortable?" 

Phil shifted Dan a bit to the right and straightened his pillow again. "I'm good like this." 

"Wait, I want to feel your skin." Dan moved to take off his shirt and then helped Phil with his before settling back into the same spot. He was already exhausted and he figured it wouldn't take long.

Phil kissed the top of Dan's head and shifted he legs again to move off the blanket covering his legs. If Dan was going to sleep on him, he would be too warm to need the blanket.

Dan took Phil's left hand and kissed his palm before kissing his fingers as well. "Can you put pressure against my upper back too? That helped last time."

"I love you." Phil whispered into Dan's hair and pressed the palm of his hand between Dan's shoulder blades.

Dan arched into the pressure and let out a low moan as he felt the effect move through his body. Dan took Phil's middle two fingers into his mouth and rested them against his tongue. Phil's fingers felt heavy against his tongue, grounding him into the moment. Dan gently sucked on his fingers and allowed himself to feel the pressure between his shoulder blades. Phil was warm underneath him and he was safe to close his eyes and allow his mind and body to drift. 

As he drifted, he mentally changed the images in his dream.

The cold ground was replaced with warm skin.

The smell of the dirt and perfume of his then girlfriend was replaced with the unique scent of Phil.

The sound of the mumbled voices was replaced by his and Phil's even breathing.

The taste of the blood in his mouth was replaced by the salty taste of Phil's fingers.

And finally, the blur of the people was replaced by the comforting void of darkness.

There were no voices.

Nobody's hands on him.

No one watching him. 

No shame.

No guilt.

No pain. 

Silence.

Peace.

Content. 

Bliss.

Love. 

After fifteen minutes, Phil slowly removed his fingers from Dan's mouth. Dan was sound asleep. 

Wiping the dampness off his fingers on the bed, he took off his glasses and placed them on the table near their phones. He kissed the top of Dan's head one last time before allowing sleep to take him away as well.

Dan woke the next morning with the content feeling still swirling around his brain. His limps felt detached yet he could still control them. He had slept the whole night without the jerky waking up half way and then falling back into the dream again. He didn't remember any dreams. Only warmth and peace. 

Phil was no longer underneath him, but behind him. Phil's arm was wrapped tight around his bare stomach, holding him against his chest and tethering him to Phil. Dan looked down to Phil's hand and imagined what it would look like with the silver band on his finger. 

"Morning." Phil whispered into his ear and pulled him back even closer against his chest, so the full of Dan's back had direct skin to skin contact with him. 

"I think that was the best one yet." Dan moved the hand that was holding him tight against Phil's body up to kiss at the back of his hand and then directly where the wedding ring would go. He didn't want to move, but he also wanted to share cereal with Phil and his brother. He wanted Phil to be part of their secret. "I want cereal." 

"If I cannot have warm, sleepy cuddles in bed, than I want cereal as well." Phil smiled into the curve where Dan's shoulder turned into his neck. Pressing a few open mouth kisses there, he moved back so Dan would fall back against the bed. He could see the content look on Dan's face and knew he was feeling better. 

"Adrian wakes up early." Dan reached up to brush a few wayward hairs down on Phil's head. "You are gorgeous in the morning."

"I think you are still a bit high off the oxytocin." Phil leaned down to kiss the top of Dan's jaw and then press his forehead against the spot he just kissed. "I think I'm a little high off it as well." 

"How are you?" Dan used his fingers to brush down Phil's arm. "I never asked." 

"Good. Mum and Dad said they missed you this trip, but they are glad you are sorting this out with your family. Martyn and Corn are good. They weren't there. There was someone new. A friend of a friend of my Dad's, or uncle. Someone." Phil kept his forehead on Dan's cheek as he answered. 

"Okay, but you didn't answer how you are. You seemed sad on the phone when you said I could be with someone else and later when Adrian Facetimed you. Did I make you sad?" 

"Yes." Phil nodded his head before moving it back up to find Dan's eyes. He was close enough to him that he could see him. "I'm not sad anymore. Just human with human emotions. I'm happy you told Karen and Adrian. Will you tell your dad?" 

"I think I already did." Dan held their eye contact and stilled his fingers on Phil's arm. "On the phone before I couldn't breathe anymore. I told him he hurt me more than the boys at school because he was meant to protect me. And that I wanted him to find me if I had killed myself. He said he was hurt by his mum, or maybe his dad. Everything swirled together and I hung up on him." 

"You sure you want to talk to him now?" 

Dan shrugged his shoulders and started moving his fingers again, the slight touch allowing him to focus on keeping the content feeling from slipping away. 

"Shall we see if Adrian is up?" 

Adrian was up and setting up four bowls, with Colin happily waiting at his feet at the sound of the cereal hitting the bowl. Instead of cereal, Colin had his morning dog food, but Colin didn't need to know that. 

"Finally!" Adrian greeted them as they walked into the kitchen area and sat at the counter in front of where the bowls sat. Adrian noticed that they were holding hands but he kept his comment to himself. His brother was finally opening up to them and he knew that the relationship with Phil was a sensitive subject. At times, learning to communicate better meant shutting your mouth. "Colin almost went looking for you." 

"Do you know when he is coming? Dad." Dan took the offered bowl, with just the right amount of almond milk and started eating. Phil was eating next to him as well.

Adrian watched as both ate their cereal with their dominate hands and continued to hold hands with their non-dominate hands, their joined hands resting on top of the counter. It was fucking cute but Adrian bit his tongue and started working on his own bowl of cereal. "Don't know. Mum was going to text him, or ring him. She has been talking to him. The whole time we have been here actually." 

"Really?" Dan looked up to find Adrian eating his cereal yet looking at the counter where they joint hands were. Ignoring his eyes, Dan continued, "I thought they were not talking right now. Ever since he was an ass on Boxing Day and moved out again." 

"All I know is that she has been talking to him during our trip." Adrian finished his bowl yet waited for the others to wash them. The cereal box was moved to the bottom of the recycling bin, with the entire box empty. "She told me." 

"How was she about that?" Phil asked as he finished his cereal. He knew most of the story. Dan's parents had been on and off since Adrian finished secondary school. At times, they were completely off and then here were times where they were completely on. 

"She is upset with him, especially with everything that Daniel told her about his comments." Adrian took Dan's bowl and began to wash them in the sink. "I think she wants to work it out though. She was dating someone for about a week, then broke it off saying that he just wasn't our father." 

"Has he been?" Dan watched as Adrian rinsed off the soap and put the bowl back where they were. All evidence of their secret erased from view. 

"Not that I know of. I haven't spoken with him in a few weeks." Adrian walked back to lean against the counter and cross his arms against his chest. "I'm upset with him as well. He shouldn't have said those things. Who cares if you want to be with a man? You could have done a lot worse for yourself with some bird." 

"Thanks." Phil laughed at Adrian's comment. "I win over all women then? What about men since they are who I am competing with in the loving Dan category?" 

"Considering that we are talking about something that would have sent him panicking before you arrived and he is still sat calm with his hand in yours, I could say you win against all men as well." 

"Hear that? King of the Universe, I am." Phil smiled over to Dan and found that Adrian was right, Dan was still calm despite the topic of conversation. 

"You are no king, good sir. Only in the category of who best can deal with my shit, you win. Congratulations, your prize should arrive in 5 to 7 business days." Dan smiled back. 

"Why would your mum take 5 to 7 business days to arrive? I doubt I would be that bad at straight sex." 

"Oi!" Both Dan and Adrian shouted at the same time, making Colin look up and huff at everyone. 

"Mate, that is our mum!" Adrian looked shocked at Phil's joke. 

"What about your mum?" Karen asked as she walked in, ready and dressed for the day. "Why is everyone so loud this early in the morning?" 

"Will Phil here-" Dan started but was silenced by Phil's hand dropping his own and covering Dan's mouth. 

"Sorry, Karen. They were telling me about...something." Phil blanked on an excuse, his neck becoming red as the awkward silence filled the room. "Your cooking. How nice your cooking is. Much better than the sugary meatless meatballs. Right, they were awful. Just awful." 

"Phil, dear, you lie for shit." Karen patted Phil's arm that had the hand covering Dan's mouth and moved to stand near Adrian so the group made a small square. "Never mind that. I don't care to know now. Serious business, gentlemen."

All three of them turned their attention to her and waited for her to talk. 

"Your father will arrive soon. I messaged him last night after Daniel said he wanted to see him." Karen took a breath and scanned everyone's faces to make sure it was good to continue. "He said that he doesn't want to feel like it is an ambush. He requests that Daniel speak with him on their own, without too many eyes on them. He wants to visit with us as well, but he ask that we respect that request."

"I'm not speaking with him without Phil." Dan reached for Phil's hand again and then placed their joined hands onto his lap. "He can turn around from where he is now and go back to where he was if he is going to make demands." 

"Dear, I believe he meant that he didn't want everyone to attack him at once. I'm sure he would be fine with speaking with you and Phil together." 

"You seem to forget the reason he even needs to speak with me in the first place." Dan felt his heart rate increase but Phil squeezed his hand three times and he focused on that instead of his heart rate. 

"But he is willing to talk about it now." His mother placed her hands against the counter and leaned forward. "That should count for something." 

"Fuck all that should count for something. Now since he is willing to be a parent and have a conversation with me, I'm just supposed to follow all his demands and be grateful that I have the chance to speak with him?" Dan squeezed Phil's hand back and allowed it to center him before he lost control of himself. Taking a deep breath, Dan sat back in his chair and focused on the metal on Colin's collar rattling as he ate his food. The dog liked to savor his meal, like he was not spoiled and was feed multiple times per day. "Maybe this is too soon. I'm just going to get angry with him and shout stupid things at him that I'm not going to remember." 

"Then get angry at him. Shout at him. Tell him everything. Tell him about the lads at school. Tell him about what that awful boy did to you. About how it still messes with your head today." Adrian gestured toward Phil. "Tell him about wanting to marry Phil and how much better you are now. Tell him you forgive him. Release that control he has over you." 

"You tell him." Dan said weakly and he sunk further into the chair, pulling Phil's hand with him. That stupid voice in his head was telling him nothing was going to change if he spoke with his father. His father had rejected him years ago when he only suspected things about him. It was confirmed now and there was no denying it. He could finally tell him he wanted nothing to do with him. He could throw him away. 

"No." Adrian shook his head. "I will be here for you before you talk to him and afterward, but he needs you to stand up to him for him to hear you. Stand your ground and tell him. Be vulnerable with him. Cry with him. But not for him, do it for you. And whatever kind of future you want to have." 

"We will all be here, Daniel." Karen reassured him. "No matter what happens, we are not going anywhere. If he chooses to leave, that is on him and him only." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The moment in bed between Dan and Phil could read as Dom/sub headspace but it is not quite that. It is more a form of assisted meditation/controlled dissociation. It is something that they developed to help one another and it requires complete trust in the other person. 
> 
> Not that there is anything wrong with consented Dom/sub, it is just not part of this story.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cut the Cord

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Description of physical and verbal child abuse.

Dan's father arrived around five that night. The group had dinner together. Karen filled the conversation with pleasantries about their trip and updates on Adrian's quest to find himself. Adrian spoke very little. Phil spent the majority of the dinner watching Dan, with Dan's foot tight against his underneath the table. Dan said nothing. 

After dinner, Adrian and Karen went into the house to wash up and left Dan and Phil outside with Dan's father. There was still wine left over from dinner, with Dan's father filling everyone's glasses and then sitting back to watch the pair. 

With dinner done and the pair left with Dan's father outside on the porch, Dan moved his foot away from Phil's. It felt like too much of a statement if his father saw. While he was getting more comfortable with touching Phil in front of his mother and brother, he was not ready to show that to his father. 

"It is nice here. Do you have plans for tomorrow?" Dan's father attempted to begin the conversation. 

"Don't do that. We always do that." Dan huffed out a breath as he sat back in his chair. "We talk about nothing. You did not drive all this way to talk about something we could have talked about on the phone." 

"I'm sorry. I don't know the rules for this." 

"Rules? What is this? A game?" Dan's voice was even despite the anger he felt. This was not going to work if they slipped back into old habits. 

"You could have just shouted at me on the phone to. In fact you did the other day and then hung up on me. I was worried that something happened. You never talk to me like that." 

"Something did happen. I finally realized something and I was upset. Upset that it took me so long to realize that you have been in my head telling me lies and horrible things about myself. I finally had enough, but I couldn't make it through telling you all that because my body freaked out on me. It does that a lot when I'm stressed. I get stressed a lot." 

"Me too. I just react in different ways. I push people away and react in anger." Dan's father took a deep breath. "I feel like I have to prove myself to the other person. That I'm a man and I can take care of myself, sometimes by acting like a dick. I don't want this to be like that. I don't want to just shout at one another and shut down. I know this is unpleasant for you because it is unpleasant for me." 

"Mum told me some things about your mother and becoming pregnant with me. She told me about her previous boyfriend that was sexually assaulting her. About choosing to have me despite the challenge it caused both of you. Some of it I already knew, but I didn't know the reasons why. Now I do and it put things into perspective." Dan wrapped his hands around his waist and tapped his middle finger against the opposite arm to orientate himself to the conversation. His heart rate had been fluttery throughout the dinner and it continued at a faster pace. His breathing was starting to increase but he was able to keep it under control if he focused on the even tapping. 

**"Stand up straight and tuck your shirt in your trousers. You represent the family name now and I will not have you causing us any more talk." **

_"Christ, Karen he cannot just stay in his room for the rest of his life. He needs to stand up for himself. He is seven, he can start fighting for himself."_

**"I told you to come straight home after school! Why do you insist on making me worry? Without your father here, you need to not cause me more stress." **

_"Daniel, you need to stop using your hands so much when you talk. Men don't talk like that. Maybe that is why he hit you. If you want them to stop, you need to change." _

**"Good job, boy. The headmistress said you are earning top marks. I am surprised considering your father is a pillock. If I find out you have cheated, you will regret it." **

_"Do you know how much I need to work to earn enough money for clothes for you? You need to stop ruining them. How do you ruin two shirts in one week? Tell me!"_

**"You will not talk with that boy anymore. He is not your kind and we cannot have any talk about our family. Your father already ruined most of our social standing." **

_"Answer me! Where did you get that bruise? Was it from that boy? I told you to fight back. Stand up for yourself or no one ever will." _

**"Why do I have to tell you this again? Why must you cause me so much grief? Answer me! Stop your crying. Men do not cry." **

_"Jesus, Daniel. Again? Stop antagonizing those lads. They are just going to keep doing it. Hit them back and shut them up." _

**"You are just like your father. Never listening to me. Never doing anything to help me. You are worthless, just like him." **

_"Daniel, you cannot wear that. Boy don't dress like that. People will get the wrong idea. Go change. Go!" _

**"I knew it. A right sissy boy I have. No wonder your father left us. Stop your crying." **

_"Mum says that you want to do theatre? Do you think that is best? The lads at school already beat you up enough? Want to give them more reason. You know who likes theatre right? Women and bent men. Do you want the lads to call you bent?" _

**"If you did not cause me so much bother than I would not have to do this. You need this. Come here. Christ, child, stop your crying." **

_"Maybe try a sport? Something that will make you fit in more with them? I told you they would use the theatre thing against you? Blokes don't do theatre unless you are looking for other blokes. You can't cry about it if you put yourself in that situation." _

**"What did you say? Is that any way to speak to your mother? What are those boys teaching you? That is not the way to be a man." **

_"Did you even try to stop them? Come back here, Daniel. Jesus, you even cry like a girl." _

**"Get the paddle. If you are not going to listen to me than you make me do this. Why do you always make me do this!" **

_"Come out here. I will not have you sat in your room while we have family over. And change your clothes, we don't want them to think something about you that is not true." _

**"Just like your father, you are. Always causing me pain. Your face will heal but my heart will not. Stop crying and take it like the man you were supposed to be." **

_"If you keep your hair like that, you are just asking for it with the lads. I've seen those bands you are listening to and those poofters are no role models." _

**"You ungrateful child. Where do you think all this comes from? Not your father, that gobshite. Me. Jesus Christ, I did not hit you that hard. Stop your crying, it is doing my head in." **

_"You need to learn to shut your mouth. Try to blend in and not cause a scene. Can you do that? Can you even try to not act like such a fruit?" _

**"Congratulations. Remember this day as a proud moment. You probably will not have many more of them." **

_"Daniel, stop it. Put your hands down and stand like a proper boy. People are watching us." _

**"You will stop seeing that girl. She is no good for you. She does not come from the right family. End it or I will." **

_"No. I'm not taking you anywhere looked like a pansy. Go change." _

**"I told you. She was no good. You are just like your father, always causing me grief. No wonder he left. She will have a procedure and it will go away." **

_"I know what you watch on that thing and it ends now. You hear me! I will not have my son watching that! Jesus, I thought you had a girlfriend. She know what you get up to on that thing?" _

**"No better than your father. Leaving me just like he did. I knew you would prove yourself to be worthless. If she has that thing, then I want nothing to do with you. It is her or me." **

_"Where did you get that bruise? Never mind. Someone probably thought you were weak and tossed you around a little bit. Guess they were right." _

**"I worked my whole life for you to go to school and get good marks. I put aside my wants in life to be your mother, with no help from your worthless father. Now, you tell me you are going to quit university and do what? Have a family of your own? You can not even take care of yourself. Worthless boy." **

_"What do you do in Manchester? Is it that lad? You need to focus on university and stop all that nonsense." _

**"A boy? Wonderful. Let us pray he does not turn out like you. Maybe we will have someone to carry out the family name." **

_"You need to focus on your future, Daniel. This mate of yours might have other plans but you do not. If you quit university and do that internet thing, you will have nothing to fall back on. He is not going to support you. We are not going to support you. You will be on your own." _

_"Don't ring us for money. If you choose this, you are on your own." _

_"Good job, Daniel. BBC is a respectable company. Maybe it is time to start thinking about university again." _

_"London? Do you know how expense that city is? And you will live with Phil? Anyone else?" _

_"I looked through that book. Maybe tone down the nancy boy vibes next time. What do you want them to think about you?" _

_"So Phil will be there? Do you ever think you might be spending a little bit too much time with him? People might start to get the wrong idea." _

"She told me. We have been talking again. Your coming out gave us reason to start talking again." Dan's father took a deep breath and sat back further in the wooden chair. "I watched the video. It is a good video." 

"Thank you." Dan stopped himself from tapping too fast and began the evenly spaced tapping again to remind himself to work on his breath. "I spent a lot of time thinking about it and planning it out. I had to dig through a lot of shit to get that out. It was true. I was going to tell you all after Christmas but then you and mum decided to reenact your World War III routine again and it didn't feel like the right time." 

"We get like that. I've been working on it. I have a therapist now. I'm working on processing some of the issues I have with my mother. We have found that I project a lot of my issues out onto the people around me." 

"No shit. I've had one for ages. We have found that a lot of your projection has caused me issues of my own." Dan's tone was harsher than he would have liked. "On top of my other shit, that is. A general lack of unconditional love and acceptance during childhood from a primary caregiver. Post-traumatic stress symptoms from those twats at school and Kieran. Being triggered from constantly worrying about someone figuring out the truth about me and Phil. A core belief that I'm not worthy of love. Layers and layers of bullshit." 

"Who is Kieran?" Dan's father looked confused. 

"I figured Mum would have told you about him." Dan's tone was still harsh. 

"She didn't. Was he a boyfriend from school?" 

"No. No, he was not. I thought he wanted to be. I thought I finally found someone who was nice to me and I was wrong. He reinforced everything you were saying about me. It was wrong. I was wrong and disgusting for wanting it. It was okay for him to flirt with me and kiss me when no one was looking but it wasn't to be shared with the world. No, it was wrong and I deserved to be punished for it. Humiliated for it." 

"What did he do?" Dan's father leaned forward concerned at what he might say. 

Dan's tapping wasn't working anymore and he felt the candle lights start to swirl. His heart rate was going faster and his breathing started to go shallow. "I can't tell you."

"That is okay. You don't have to tell me now. Or ever. But I want to hear it because obviously it is important to you. I want to know the things that are important to you." 

"Why now?" Dan dug his fingers into the skin on his forearm where they rested. "Why couldn't you have wanted to know then? You always made it seem like there was something wrong with me and I started to believe there was. Fuck, I thought killing myself was a better option than being alive." 

"My therapist told me that hurt people hurt. Healthy, fully functioning individuals do not cause harm to other people. In order to hurt someone, they must have their own hurt as well." Dan's father paused and sat back. "For me, it wasn't the lads at school, it was my own mother. My father left us when I was quite young and my mother never forgave him for it. But he wasn't around and I was so I was punished for him leaving. That messes with a kid's head. I already thought the reason my father left was because of me, young children think the whole world revolves around them, and now my mother was telling me it was true. She lost her mind after he left. She was never a cuddly mother but after he left, she turned mean and vindictive. She would say cruel words to me and hit me with a paddle. Normally, it was over minor mistakes and, at times, I had no idea what I did wrong." 

"She sounds like a horrible person. I'm sorry you had to grow up with that." Dan's vision was returning, with the objects around him sharpening until he could fully see them again. His heart rate was still elevated, but he could take full breaths. 

"Thank you. I'm starting to make peace with it, but as you know, it is a process. I failed as your father. I cannot go back and undue the harm I caused, but I can go forward. I want to have a relationship with you. I want to know Phil. I want to be invited to a wedding. I want to know if I have grandchildren. I don't want to be like my mother and push you away. You having the courage to tell me you are gay allowed me to look at my own life and make some decisions. I want to live a more authentic life. I'm not all the way there yet, but I'm trying." 

"I want to try as well." Dan loosened the grip he had on his arms and reached toward Phil to take his hand. Phil was looking back at him and smiled, taking Dan's hand in his own and squeezing it. "Dad, this is Phil. He literally saved me from myself and taught me that I was worthy of love. He is the most amazing and wonderful person I have ever met and he loves me enough to deal with all of my demons. I have loved him for the past ten years and we are going to get married. We already promised ourselves to each other but we want to get legally married." 

"Hello, Phil." Dan's father smiled towards Phil. "Thank you for loving my son. I have not always been fair to you as well. I would like to know you. Properly know you." 

Phil found that Dan's father's smile was similar to Dan's and Adrian's and it made him realize that he had never seen him smile. Dan also had his father's face shape and eyes, with the man sitting in front of Phil likely a preview of the man Dan was going to mature into looking like in the future. 

Dan's father left after their long talk. Karen offered to have him stay the night, but he said that it wasn't the right time and he wanted the family to finish their holiday as intended. 

It was half nine when his father drove away and Dan retreated to their room after telling his mother and brother goodnight. Phil did the same and followed behind him. 

They readied for bed, with neither talking but going about their typical routine. Dan turned on the nightlights as Phil turned off the overhead light. It was early but Dan felt as though he could sleep for at least a week from the emotional exhaustion of the hour long conversation with his father. 

Wordlessly, Dan took off his shirt and then Phil's before lying in front of Phil, so that his back was flush against Phil's chest. He reached for Phil's hand and brought it toward his mouth, with Phil's two middle fingers resting against his tongue. He closed his eyes and tried to suck but he couldn't before a quiet sob took him over. 

Phil kissed the back of his neck before pressing his face against the back of Dan's head. Speaking into his hair, Phil encouraged him, "Let it out." 

Dan broke at the words, pushing Phil's hand away so he could breathe deeper. The next sob was loud and he let out an even louder sound at the end of it. His whole body was shaking, overwhelmed with everything. His eyes stung but the tears never came. 

Emotionally, he was exhausted. His ability to think about anything that was not present in their bed too much to process. 

Dan could feel the warm skin of Phil's bare chest and stomach against his back. The soft breaths of Phil's breathing against his neck. Phil's arm curled tight around his stomach. His soft dick against his ass. His legs resting against the back of his legs. 

Physically, he was the safest he would ever be. Wrapped up tight in the arms of a man that loved him unconditionally. 

He fell into a deep sleep, one without dreams. 

He turned off the emotional side of his brain and just focused on the physical. 

Just the feeling of Phil against his body and the peace it always brought him.


	10. Chapter 10

When Phil woke the next morning, he was alone in the bed. Stretching and then reaching for his glasses, Phil got up to use the toilet and then search for Dan. He was surprised he had woken up before him, with the emotional toll of the last few days, and admitting to not sleeping well, Phil figured that Dan would take the day to sleep in. 

Stretching again as he stood, Phil stopped with his arms over his head when he saw Dan lying in the opposite bed. That was unusual for Dan, if he couldn’t sleep then he always moved closer to Phil. Never away from him. The separate beds they had over the years were only for staging. Or if one was ill and didn’t want to chance spreading it to the other. And as far as he knew, Dan was not ill. 

Walking quietly toward the other bed, Phil found that Dan was lying with his eyes closed but he did not appear to be asleep. He didn’t really appear to be anything besides lying on the bed with his eyes closed. 

“Dan?” Phil asked walking closer and kneeling on the ground so he could see Dan’s face. “Are you awake?” 

“Unfortunately, yes.” Dan pulled his arms up closer to his chest, wrapping the blanket closer to his body. He kept his eyes closed and pressed his head further into the pillow. “Let me sleep.” 

“Why are you in this bed? Was I hogging the covers? It is so weird to sleep-” 

“Phil. I’m tired. Let me sleep.” Dan turned so he was facing away from Phil and dug his head into his pillow, covering his mouth and nose. 

“Dan. Talk to me. What is this?” Reaching his hand up, he laid it on Dan’s back and jumped when Dan turned around and pushed it away. 

“Jesus, Phil. I don’t want to be touch right now. I want to sleep. Just let me sleep.” Dan shouted before turning back to where he was before and pressing his mouth and nose further into the pillow. 

“Talk to me.” Phil kept his hands to himself yet he was not ready to allow Dan to push him away. 

“No. Talking gets me nowhere. Fucking hell, Phil.” Dan shouted into the pillow and curled his legs up closer to him. “Just leave and let me sleep.” 

“Dan.” Phil tried one last time but he got nowhere. Dan stayed wrapped up in himself and did not respond to his plead to tell him what was going on. “I’m going to get breakfast and sit outside. Come find me when you are ready.” 

“I really don’t care what you are doing right now as long as you let me sleep.” Dan let out a frustrated sigh and pulled the blankets over his head. 

Phil used the toilet and then wandered to the kitchen. Adrian was awake and he had a mug of coffee in his hand, leaning against the counter. 

“Good morning.” Adrian raised his head in greeting. He was fully dressed for the day and appeared wide awake. “Where is your life companion?” 

“Said he was tired and wanted to sleep some more.” Phil thanked Adrian as he was handed a mug of his own. “Thank you. He actually kicked me out of the room.” 

“Is that weird? Or just one of his little quirks? He never liked to be around anyone when he was upset. But that seems like it is different with you, right? I would imagine it is different with you.” 

“No, he isolates when he is upset.” Phil shook his head and then took his first sip. Dan’s family were all coffee snobs it seemed. “He just typically never actively pushes me away. At least not in a very long time. He tried to hide the depression from me in the beginning. Until he just couldn’t anymore and he snapped on me. Said that he was afraid I would leave him. I have never shown him any reason that I would ever leave him and he always goes there. Always. It is frustrating. Shit, I shouldn’t be telling you all this. I’m sorry.” 

“No. I asked.” Adrian filled his mug again and gestured toward the door leading outside. “Let’s sit outside. It is warm out and we only have one more morning after today to enjoy the view.” 

After they settled outside, both taking in the view and drinking their coffee, Adrian addressed the topic again. 

“Can I ask you some questions?” 

Phil was brought out of his thoughts at Adrian’s voice. “I”m sorry. I drifted off. What did you say?” 

“Can I ask you questions?” Adrian shifted in his chair and pulled his legs up so he was hugging them to his body. A move Phil saw Dan do countless times when he was unsure of himself. 

“What was Dan’s rule? You can ask them, as long as I reserve the right to not answer them?” 

“I believe that was it.” Adrian bit inside his lip, trying to figure out how to word the question right. “He likes to control things, right? Have order to everything? I’m the same way. It is comforting to have some control over it all. The depression and anxiety, it gets overwhelming and it feels like it is not manageable. We get that from Dad. He likes to control things and manage things. He also has anxiety and depression as well.” 

“That makes sense with what he shared last night. He told Dan about your grandmother. She was not a kind woman but she was also a hurt woman. Your dad said that his therapist told him hurt people hurt. Your grandmother was hurt and tried to control you father. Your father was hurt and tried to control Dan, thankfully not in the same ways. Your father was hit by your grandmother. And it sounded like it wasn’t just every now and then. I cannot imagine growing up like that. Your father, who is supposed to love you unconditionally, leaves you. Your mother, grief stricken and likely scared to be on her own with a child, teaches you that love is conditional. But you will never know the terms. Then you are thrown this child your way and asked to grow up very quickly. At your age, your parents already had a child entering the school system. And you are expected to parent someone when you were never shown how to be parented. Thank goodness for Karen’s parents. Otherwise, I don’t know how you and Dan would have turned out.” 

“Shit.” Adrian turned to look out across the yard. “That makes everything so much clearer. He was always a strict father. You had to earn his praise and love. He didn’t just offer it. And when you messed up, he was upset quickly. He would shout at Daniel and Daniel would just stand there and metaphorically curl into himself. He tried that shit with me but I would shout back. But, I wasn’t dealing with the same battle Daniel was dealing with. I wasn’t getting constant comments about who I was thrown back to me. I wasn’t getting messages that at any minute, if I acted on who I was, I would be punished and shunned away. I used to get so upset with him. He would just stand there and take it. I wanted him to shout back. To get angry and tell him off. But he never did. And now I know that he felt like he couldn’t. I thought that was why he left at first. Daniel wouldn’t stand up to him so he just left. And he left me behind. At least I could shout back though.” 

“You shouldn’t have had to deal with that either.” 

“At least he didn’t hit us. Not like what he received growing up. He learned that hitting doesn’t do anything but make your child fear you. And we had Mum there as well. They were always busy working but neither of them left us for good.” 

“That is a good way of looking at it.” Phil set down his mug and looked back out across the fields. “Each generation evolved from the previous one. By the next generation, it should be even better because you will have learned what does not work and what does work.” 

“Tell that to Daniel.” Adrian smiled toward Phil. “He said you guys have been thinking about kids. He has talked about that since I was young, you know? Wanting to have kids. He said he would treat them so well. Show them so much love, they wouldn’t know what to do with it. I thought it was weird at the time but I was only a kid myself and it seemed unreal that he would have kids. I get it now.”

“He knew what he was missing and he wanted to show that to his own children.” Phil smiled back. “He says that now too. Any time the topic is brought up. He said he was going to spoil them with love and I always thought it was strange in the beginning why he was so insistent on that. I knew his childhood wasn’t the greatest and he had issues with his father, but over time, he has slowly taught me more about himself. We would have had them before, but the timing was not right. He insisted that we not bring any children into the world until we were completely ready.” 

“Because he always thought he wasn’t meant to be and he ruined our parents’ life.” Adrian nodded his head. “But he also allowed Dad to finally leave grandmother’s control and allowed Mum to heal from the sexual assault. It is like _It’s A Wonderful Life_, you never know what effect you have on someone until you picture yourself not in their life.” 

“Did you have a question?” Phil laughed after a few minutes sitting in silence. “Was the question in there?” 

“I think so.” Adrian laughed as well and then looked over Phil’s shoulder to see his brother. “Morning, sunshine.” 

“Fuck off.” Dan sneered at his brother’s direction. Sitting on Phil’s lap, he leaned back so he was resting his back against Phil's chest. He reached for his mug and finished the cup before leaning his head to the side and resting it against Phil’s head. “I’m sorry I was a dick. I was grumpy and sad.” 

“I’ll go get us some more.” Adrian took Phil’s mug and left toward the door. “I might have to make a new pot. Might be in there awhile.” 

“Subtle, Adrian.” Dan shouted in Adrian’s direction but didn’t move from his comfortable spot on top of Phil. He was groggy and didn’t feel like moving. He couldn’t sleep on his own so he decided to give in and get up. 

“Do you feel better?” Phil wrapped his arms around Dan’s waist and ignored the pressure his weight was causing him in the wooden chair. It was worth a little pain to have Dan close to him again and not pushing him away. 

“I don’t know. I talk, and talk, and talk. Nothing changes. I still feel like shit and everyone around me feels like shit as well.” Dan let out a slow breath. “What is the point?” 

“Adrian and I were talking. We came up with a theory. The theory of evolution.” Phil took Dan’s hand that was playing with his and squeezed it around his own. “It makes sense.” 

“Hate to break this to you, Philly, but Darwin had you beat on this for what, a hundred years? And there was talk that he stole it from someone even older than him.” Dan raised their joint hands and rested them on his chest. 

“Listen, _Danny boy_. This is good.” Phil squeezed his hand again. “Each generation has their issues and struggles. The future generation learns from their failures and finds new ways to function. Therefore, each new generation has a better life because of the struggles of their parents.” 

“So my Dad had to go through shit to make my life better, but he also caused me to have shit of my own. So theoretically, our children will not have to deal with either of our issues.” Dan smiled at the idea. “So by me talking and feeling this way, it will help our children not have to deal with the same problems. Is that right?” 

“Exactly. Things are changing, but you are too close to them right now. You cannot see it yet.” Phil shifted Dan to the side so he could start to feel his right leg again. “Just like evolution. It takes time and you cannot see it unless you pull back and look at the full picture.” 

“So I had a lie in feeling sorry for myself and you two are out here solving the mysteries of the universe?” 

“And drinking coffee. Liquid of the gods.” Adrian came back with three full mugs. Karen and Colin were following behind him. Karen with her mug and a water dish for Colin. 

“What did I miss?” Karen smiled at her sons, all three of them, while Colin laid at her feet. The water was too cold for him so he was waiting for it to get warmer. 

“Will, Dan has a bony butt because of all this veganism business and I would like to file a formal complaint.” Phil gave Adrian a serious look as he made Dan shift again on his lap. 

“Oi, not everyone can have a full booty like you!” Adrian teased back and laughed at Phil’s shocked expression. “What? I cannot admire my brother-in-law’s ass? What kind of world do we live in?” 

“Okay, children. Let’s not ruin the rest of our holiday.” Karen laughed as she scolded them. “What are we doing today? Last day of freedom before we head back to our non-French countryside lives.” 

“Sleep.” 

“Drink.” 

“Eat.” 

“Ruff.”


End file.
